


The Complicated Life of Monsieur Grantaire

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Anal Sex, Bahorel is the only one that knows, Bloodplay, Blow Jobs, Depression, Drug Use, Enjolras does care he just hides it well, F/M, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mentions of Suicide Attempts, Sad Grantaire, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-01-15 07:21:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1296349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's complicated. Grantaire was happy with that answer. It explained everything he needed it to and yet it told the person nothing. A perfect answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It's complicated. That's what Grantaire always told people. It's complicated. 'Why don't you finish school?' It's complicated. 'Why don't you go see the world?' It's complicated. 'Why are you even here?' It's complicated. Grantaire was happy with that answer. It explained everything he needed it to and yet it told the person nothing. A perfect answer.

 

 

"Grantaire?"

He took his eyes from the screen and looked up at his friend,

"You alright?"

"I'm fine. Do you have any Adderall?"

A hand appeared next to him; open with two pills in the palm. He took them with a nod and smiled,

"Thanks Joly."

The man stroked his hair and disappeared from the room. Grantaire returned to his beer and the woman talking on the TV.

"Grantaire?"

Once again his attention was being forced somewhere else,

"Yes?"

"Are you even listening?"

"Probably not."

Combeferre looked up from the corner and watched him for a moment; ready to jump in should an argument break out.

"Can you try? We're planning something big here."

"We're always planning something big."

The blonde sighed. Grantaire lifted his beer to his lips and took a drink,

"Why can't you make any effort?"

He put the bottle down and stood slowly. Pulling the pack of smokes from his pocket he shrugged,

"It's complicated."

Enjolras watched him for a moment as he stepped away before grabbing his arm and leaning into his ear,

"Are you alright Grantaire?"

"Fine. I'll help you. Let me destroy my health a little more first."

Enjolras searched his face for a second then let go of him.

"Don't take too long."

Grantaire put the cigarette between his lips and nodded,

"Aye aye captain."

He was sure he saw the corner of Enjolras' mouth lift in an attempt to smile but turned before properly acknowledging it. He wandered outside and sat down heavily on the grass. The sounds of an argument filtered out to him and he sighed before lighting the cigarette.

"They're gonna kill you."

"Only if they beat me to it."

Bossuet sat beside him and looked up at the sky.

"You can join me by the way."

Bossuet smiled and turned to look at him,

"You alright?"

"I'm fine. Do you have any Xanax?"

"No. Maybe later though."

Grantaire waved him away,

"Don't worry. I'll find something."

"Joly has weed."

"Good to know."

Grantaire handed him the cigarettes and leant back on his elbows; stretching his legs out before him.

"Do you wanna do something tonight? You can stay over if you need."

Grantaire smirked around the cigarette and looked over to him,

"Thanks but I have every intention of getting laid tonight."

Bossuet lit his cigarette and blew smoke above his head,

"So what's stopping you?"

"Trying to make a decision."

"About....?"

"Whether I want a girl or a boy. Do I wanna fuck or be fucked?"

"And what have you decided?"

Grantaire smirked again and lay down properly. He took the cigarette from his lips and blew smoke slowly above him.

"I have not decided anything yet."

Bossuet nodded and lay down beside him.

"It's a beautiful evening."

The noise from the argument inside filtered out again and Grantaire sighed,

"Not for everyone it's not."

"Enjolras is angry."

"Enjolras is always angry."

"He's not. Just today."

"He is with me. He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. No one hates you."

"Pity then. That's even worse."

"He doesn't pity you. You do antagonise him though."

"Alas it's something I can't help."

Bossuet sat up and stubbed the cigarette out. He turned and sat cross legged,

"You seem sad today Grantaire."

"I wouldn't call it sad. Melancholy perhaps."

"Melancholy?"

"Indeed. Do have Valium?"

Bossuet shook his head then stopped,

"Oh actually I might."

He dug in his jacket pocket and pulled out a small bag of pills. Grantaire sat up and grinned,

"Joly has been generous."

"Never underestimate what a good blow job will get you."

"Oh I don't."

Bossuet picked a small pill and handed it to him; Grantaire raised an eyebrow and Bossuet clicked his tongue,

"Fine. Here."

He gave him another and Grantaire smiled sweetly,

"Thank you."

He took them dry and lay back down. Bossuet put the bag away and sighed,

"You shouldn't take so many. You just had Adderall."

"An hour ago. Besides it didn't do anything."

They fell into silence again until Grantaire’s phone rang. He fished it from his pocket and bit his lip,

"It seems the decision has been made for me."

He flipped the phone open and held it to his ear,

"Hello?"

"Where are you?"

"Combeferre’s."

"You sober?"

"Barely. Why?"

"I need it."

"Now?"

"Come home."

"Give me ten minutes. Or longer I just took some Valium."

"You can lay down I just need to fuck something."

"So romantic."

"Get the fuck home."

"Fine. See you in a bit."

He hung up and put the phone back,

"Alas I must bid you farewell."

Bossuet nodded,

"Bahorel?"

"Indeed. Ever the romantic."

"I will see you in the morning."

"Call me? Just check I'm alive."

"Always."

He leant over and kissed him,

"I will see you then."

"Goodnight."

Grantaire stood up and brushed the grass from his behind.

"Goodnight my friend."

He headed back inside and grabbed his coat. He was at the door when someone stopped him,

"You're going?"

He turned to see Enjolras and rubbed his neck,

"I have a prior engagement. But I will return in due time if you so wish it."

Enjolras frowned,

"Just take care okay?"

"I will. And you."

"Hmm."

He turned and re-joined the group. Grantaire watched him for a moment before dropping his head and leaving the house.

 

Grantaire took his coat off and dropped his keys in the bowl they kept on the counter.

"Bahorel?"

"Bedroom."

Grantaire smirked,

"Such wonderful foreplay."

He opened the door and felt his stomach drop at the sight. Bahorel was on the bed, naked as the day he was born and rock hard.

"Shit...."

He smiled at Grantaire and held his hand out. Grantaire pulled his shirt off and walked over to him.

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

He grabbed the back of Bahorel neck and climbed on to the bed,

"Know exactly what I need?"

"I'm a really good friend."

Grantaire smiled as Bahorel’s arms snaked around him and his hands slipped into the back of his jeans,

"You smell like beer."

"Not surprising. I had several."

"And..?"

"The usual."

"Pills or powders?"

"Just pills. All prescription. Not mine of course."

"Bring any home?"

"Sorry. I have some of my actual meds if you want."

"Nah. Just make me come."

"Well shut up and let me."

Bahorel grinned and kissed him. Grantaire pushed him back and undid his jeans; climbing back of the bed to pull them and his shoes and socks off.

"I love how you refuse to fuck with socks on."

"I do have standards you know."

Bahorel laughed and pulled him in again. He tangled his finger in Grantaire’s hair as he kissed him hard. Grantaire pushed him down again and straddled his lap; he reached for the lube and coated two fingers before reaching behind his self and working them inside.

"Think you can restrain enough to come on me not in me?"

"Probably."

"Good cos I can't be bothered to find a condom."

Bahorel grinned again and ran his hands up Grantaire’s chest, pausing to pinch one of his nipples. Grantaire smacked his hand away and knelt up,

"Gimme a hand."

Bahorel held himself in place as Grantaire lowered onto him. He sighed as he went, his hands digging into Bahorel’s chest.

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Give it a sec."

He rocked his hips slowly until he felt comfortable then began riding him in earnest,

"Fuck Grantaire."

Grantaire shut his eyes and dropped his head back; letting Bahorel lift him with each thrust then pull him down hard with a grunt.

"You're so fucking good."

"Yeah....yeah..."

Grantaire gripped himself and began to rub. He smiled to himself as he rubbed faster; his eyes flying open when Bahorel grabbed him and pulled him down,

"The fuck you doing?"

"I was trying to kiss you."

"Fucking romantic."

Bahorel smiled before flipping them over. He balanced himself and began thrusting hard into the man. Grantaire let out a growl and grabbed Bahorel by the hair and pulled hard. Bahorel laughed breathlessly; leaning down to crash their lips together. Grantaire was hurtling toward the point of no return when he shut his eyes tightly. Bahorel watched his face as he pounded into him. The cry that ripped from him as he came sent Bahorel over the edge as well and pulled out just in time to come in spurts over Grantaire’s stomach. Grantaire let himself breathe for a moment before opening his eyes. Bahorel was on his knees between his legs.

"You're staring at me."

"You refuse to look at me when you come."

"I don't look at anyone when I come."

Bahorel grinned again and climbed from the bed. He grabbed a spare shirt and threw it at Grantaire. He used it to clean the mess from his stomach and threw it back before sitting up,

"You don't have to leave. You can sleep here."

"I need a smoke. And a drink."

Bahorel pulled his underwear on and threw Grantaire’s at him.

"You can smoke in here."

"Can't actually. Left my pack with Bossuet."

"That was smart."

"I'm a very smart man. Do you have any of those painkillers left?"

"Bottom drawer."

Grantaire pulled his underwear on and reached for the drawer.

"You need to see a doctor R."

"I have a doctor."

"Joly doesn't count."

"I don't need a doctor. I need a drink."

He found the pill bottle and opened it. He took two out and looked over to Bahorel,

"Can I take four? For tomorrow."

"Will you keep them for tomorrow?"

"Probably not."

"Keep the bottle."

"Nah. That's addict behaviour. I'm not an addict."

"What are you then?"

Grantaire swallowed the pills and shrugged,

"Dedicated user."

"Ah. Come on. I have smokes in my jacket."

Grantaire stood up and stretched his arms up, Bahorel watched him; his gaze landing on the scratches on his ribs.

"What happened?"

Grantaire dropped his arms and turned to face him,

"What?"

"Your ribs."

"Oh....over eager mate."

"I see. You alright?"

"I'm fine."

Bahorel nodded,

"Come on."

Grantaire followed him out of the room to the living room. He dropped down onto the sofa with a sigh. Bahorel passed him the pack of cigarettes and headed to the fridge,

"So...tell me..."

"What?"

Bahorel passed him a beer and took the lit cigarette from his fingers,

"How was the ever pleasant Enjolras tonight?"

Grantaire was silent for a moment; he lit another cigarette and took a deep drag. He put his feet up on the coffee table and dropped his head back,

"It's....complicated."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I don't wish to spend my evening talking about him. But it's good to know that you're thinking about him so soon after we've slept together, want me to put in a good word for you?"

Bahorel watched him for a moment before taking a drink and tapping his cigarette,

"I would like you to be honest Grantaire."

"I am honest."

"You're in denial."

Grantaire groaned and put his cigarette out.

"I don't remember signing up for therapy Bahorel."

"Sorry."

They fell into silence again. Grantaire looked over to the man,

"I don't hate him."

Bahorel nodded,

"Well it's getting there."

Grantaire smiled to himself and looked at his beer,

"Thanks."

"What for?"

Grantaire looked at him for a moment,

"The....the pills."

"Don't mention it."

Grantaire reached for another cigarette and grabbed the remote control. He turned the TV on and sat back.

"Wanna cuddle?"

"Shut up."

Bahorel laughed and sat back to watch the show they'd landed on.

 

Bahorel went to bed just after 2am; leaving Grantaire on the sofa with his cigarettes. The sun was coming up when Grantaire finally took himself to his room. He opened his desk drawer and picked up a small black tin. Opening it he took a pill from inside and swallowed it down. He put the tin back and picked up his journal; turning to make sure the door was locked he lay on the bed and flipped through the pages to a newspaper article from months before. He paid no attention to the words, choosing instead to focus on the small picture above them. He chewed his lip as he stared at the image of the blonde man. Sighing heavily he put the clipping back in the book and threw it into the drawer. He lay down and stared at the ceiling until his eyes closed and he fell asleep.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Bossuet phoned at 10am.

"Hello?"

"Oh...you're not Grantaire."

"No he left his phone. Want me to wake him?"

"Just check he's breathing?"

Bahorel smirked,

"One second."

He headed to Grantaire’s room and opened the door. He found him sitting by the window with a sketchbook on his lap,

"Oi."

"Fuck off."

"Charming."

Grantaire looked at him and sighed,

"What?"

Bahorel held out the phone,

"Bossuet."

Grantaire took the phone,

"Thanks. Do you have any Adderall?"

Bahorel shrugged and left the room. Grantaire put the phone to his ear,

"Hello."

"How much sleep did you get?"

"Three hours. Give or take."

"Wow practically a full night."

"Hmm. Where are you?"

"Where'd you think? I'm at home."

"Joly there?"

"Somewhere."

"Can you ask him if he has anything?"

"Pills or smokes?"

"Smokes today I think. I'm gonna try and do some work later."

"Wanna hang out?"

"Yeah. But I gotta go to the cafe. I owe Prouvaire some money."

"Enjolras is working there today. Try not to kill him."

"I won't. I have no reason to."

"He was talking about you after you left last night."

Grantaire fiddled with his book,

"Was he? He needs a hobby."

"He's worried. Thinks something is wrong."

"He's wrong."

"Is he?"

"Do you think he's right?"

"I think you need to relax."

"I am relaxed. I had a Valium."

"I'm gonna get you from the cafe. 2 o'clock?"

"Sounds about right."

"I'll see you then."

"Okay. Goodbye."

He hung up and threw the phone on his bed. He reached for his pencil and scribbled down a sentence on a blank page before dropping the book into a drawer.

"Bahorel?"

"Yeah?"

"I need cigarettes. You want anything?"

"No need I'm going to the gym. You coming by today?"

"No."

He pulled his shirt on and walked into the kitchen.

"Hey."

He looked over to Bahorel,

"You alright?"

"Fine."

"Grantaire-"

"Do you have to leave now?"

"I can wait a bit. You wanna talk?"

"I wanna fuck."

Bahorel grinned,

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. What? You're the only one allowed to start it?"

"No...No but I don't think you really want it. I think you want something else."

"Like?"

"Talking?"

"I don't wanna talk."

"You sure about that?"

Grantaire looked down at his hands and shrugged,

"I can find someone else."

"Grantaire."

"I have to go to the cafe."

"Ah. And shall I guess that a certain blonde will be there?"

Grantaire shrugged again,

"Don't know. Why do you ask?"

Bahorel sighed,

"No reason. Forget it."

Grantaire nodded,

"I'm going out."

"Thought you wanted to..."

"Nah...I'm good. Did you have any more painkillers?"

Bahorel raised his eyebrows,

"Another?"

"Just a couple."

He sighed,

"Wait here."

Grantaire stuck his hands in his pockets and watched the floor until Bahorel appeared again. The man gripped the back of Grantaire’s neck; forcing him to look at him.

"Grantaire. Tell me you're okay."

Grantaire looked into his friends eyes and nodded,

"I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me."

"Actually I do. Come on...tell me."

Grantaire’s eyes flicked to Bahorels lips. He leaned in and kissed them gently before pulling back.

"It's complicated."

Bahorel pressed their foreheads together,

"You know I'm here don't you?"

"I know."

Bahorel smiled at him then let go and stepped back,

"Here."

He handed him two pills; looking away as Grantaire swallowed them down.

"Text me later okay? Lemme know you're safe."

"I will."

Bahorel nodded and stepped aside to let Grantaire leave.

 

Flicking the butt to the floor; Grantaire reached into his pocket and found a pack of gum. He threw a piece into his mouth and walked into the cafe. It was still rarely empty and he was grateful, until he saw him in the corner. He true to avoid looking and was halfway to the counter when he heard it,

"Grantaire."

"Shit....hi."

Enjolras pointed to the empty chair opposite him,

"Sit for a moment?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to talk to you."

Grantaire ran a hand through his hair and sat down. Enjolras smiled at him and shut his laptop,

"So..."

Grantaire fiddled with the bottom of his shirt and avoided Enjolras' eye line.

"Grantaire?"

He lifted his eyes slowly,

"I was wondering if you'd be interested in doing something for me, well for us actually."

Grantaire tucked a curl behind his ear and rested his hands on the table,

"Something like what?"

Enjolras' gaze fell on to the hands that shook as they rested on the wooden surface,

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just need some Adderall or something."

"You need sleep and...Food. When was the last time you ate?"

Grantaire shrugged and Enjolras gestured to the waitress,

"Can I get-"

He looked back to Grantaire,

"You like lattes?"

"Uh...yeah."

He turned back to the waitress,

"Can I get two lattes and a bacon sandwich please?"

The waitress wrote the order down and disappeared.

"Enjolras I don't have the change for that."

Enjolras waved him away,

"Don't worry about it, it's on me."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know I don't. I want to."

Grantaire smiled at him briefly then rubbed his nose,

"What were you saying before?"

Enjolras paused a moment and cleared his throat,

"We need some banners designed, and posters, leaflets too. And I know that you're really good at all that. Would you consider doing that for us?"

The waitress appeared again and put two mugs down along with the sandwich; Enjolras pushed it toward Grantaire and picked up a mug to take a sip.

"I uh....you sure you want me to do that for you?"

Enjolras stirred some sugar into his coffee and sat back,

"Why wouldn't I? I've seen your work it’s beautiful."

Grantaire stared down at the plate before him and frowned,

"I thought you'd ask someone more...reliable."

Enjolras took another drink,

"I trust you."

Grantaire looked up at him,

"You do?"

Enjolras watched him in silence for a moment,

"Why shouldn't I trust you?"

Grantaire sat back and rubbed the back of his neck,

"I'll do the work for you. Of course I will."

Enjolras smiled,

"Thank you Grantaire."

Grantaire smiled nervously and looked at his hands.

"So I figured we should meet up and go over designs and whatnot. Do you still have the same number or has it changed?"

Grantaire looked up at him again,

"It's...I didn't know you had my number."

"You're in our group if course I have your number."

"Oh....right. Yeah it's the same. When were you thinking?"

Enjolras drained his cup,

"I don't know. Tomorrow night?"

"T-tomorrow is fine yeah. Yeah."

"Good man."

Enjolras' phone started ringing and Grantaire sat back in the chair. He answered and stood up. He listened to the person for a moment then covered the mouth piece and turned to Grantaire;

"I'm just gonna take this outside. Eat the food."

Grantaire nodded and watched him leave before picking up the sandwich. He ate quickly as he watched Enjolras talking outside. The man looked at Grantaire and smiled; suddenly Grantaire felt cold. He shook his head and took a gulp of coffee before fishing in his pocket for his wallet. He took out a few bills and dropped them on the table before leaving quietly. Enjolras finished his conversation and returned to the table. Finding it empty he frowned and stopped a waitress,

"Excuse me did you happen to see where my friend went?"

"Sure. He left you some cash and went out the back."

"Thanks."

Enjolras rubbed his face and looked at the half eaten food,

"Dammit Grantaire."

He pocketed the cash and left his own on the table before packing his bag and exiting the cafe as well.

 

"Can you help me?"

"It's the middle of the day Grantaire don't you normally sleep in until mid-evening?"

"Can we meet?"

"Fine. Sure what do you need?"

"I don't know. I don't know...I need someone."

"I got some girls working today."

"Yeah....yeah that's fine."

"Any preference?"

Grantaire paused and closed his eyes,

"Blonde."

"Gotcha. Come by in like an hour."

"Thanks Montparnasse.”

"No problem."

Grantaire hung up and leant against the brick wall behind the cafe. He closed his eyes for a moment before reaching in his pocket and finding his pills. He took two and reached for his cigarettes. Pulling out his phone he sent Prouvaire a text,

"Running late. I'll see you when I can."

"You alright?"

"I'm fine. Something came up. I'll be there at 2. I have your money."

"Okay. I'll see you later then."

Grantaire put the phone away and lit his cigarette before heading down the street.

 

The girl was pretty. Grantaire liked the way her hair shone when the light hit it. He ran his fingers through it gently when she was on her knees before him.

"You're a good girl. You know that?"

She looked up at him, her lips red around him. His fingers tangled in the blonde curls and he allowed his mind to wander as his eyes closed,

"So good. So beautiful and brave. You're the best of them. God to have you all the time...."

He pulled the hair tightly as he came down her throat. He was breathing heavily as he pulled away; taking her hand and pulling the girl to her feet he pushed her against the wall and kissed her. He could taste himself and smile against her lips. She kissed him in earnest, ignoring the pain of having her hair curled tightly around two of his fingers. His other hand found her ass and was squeezing it rhythmically. She pressed her chest against his and moaned. He pushed her away and shook his head,

"Don't do that."

"I'm sorry?"

"I don't want you to do that. I don't wanna feel....that."

The girl looked at him then looked down at her chest,

"These?"

Grantaire pulled his jeans up and stepped back. The girl followed him and ran a hand over his chest,

"Come on baby, you don't like these?"

She gripped his hand and pressed it against her breast,

"Don't you wanna make me feel good?"

He looked down at his hand and shook his head,

"No."

The girl dropped her hand from his and stepped back,

"What's wrong with you?"

Grantaire grabbed his jacket and dropped some money on the bed,

"It's complicated."

He left the room and paused for a moment before leaving the house.

 

"Where are you?"

"I'm out."

"Where? It's nearly four."

"Oh. I don't think I can meet you today I'm sorry."

"Grantaire what the hell is going on?"

"Nothing I just....I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Grantaire-"

He hung up and put the phone in his pocket. He looked around before sitting heavily on the grass; the flowers he had picked up on his way there lay by his feet and he fiddled with the label before placing them in front of the headstone. He stroked the cool stone and smiled,

"Hi mum."

A few minutes passed in silence before he dropped his hand and looked around again,

"Sorry I've not been for a bit. Had a bit of trouble getting here."

He sighed and looked at the words carved into the granite.

"I miss you. Wish you were here now, could...do with talking to you. I haven't spoken to Dad since the fight. He's still mad and I'm still....I don't know what I am. A disappointment I guess."

He stared down at his hands and shrugged,

"I'm lost mum. I feel so...Enjolras asked for my help. Wants me to make posters and banners and...I don't even know why. I'm not good enough for that. Not good enough for him."

He looked up at the stone,

"I love him. I'm pretty sure I do anyhow. Haven't told anyone. Haven't even...said it out loud yet. I love him........I love him."

He rubbed his face and looked away,

"It's ridiculous. I don't even know why I'm worrying it’s not as though he'd ever even like me as a friend let alone anything more. Oh but I wish you could see him mum. He's so wonderful. So incredibly smart, and brave. Criminal record of course. And just so....he's beautiful mum."

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed once more,

"God I miss you mum. I miss you so much it makes me sick sometimes. You're the only one I could've talked to. I have my friends I know but......they don't get it."

He looked around and chewed his lip.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't really have anyone left. Dad won't speak to me. I don't even know where Juliet is at this point. I have me. And you. And no offended but you're not as chatty as you used to be."

He sighed and climbed to his feet,

"I need to go. I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer....I'll come back and talk to you soon I promise. I just....I need a drink."

He rubbed his face,

"I love you mum. I'll see you soon.....take care okay?"

He kissed his fingers and pressed them to the stone.

"Thanks for the talk mum. I love you."

He rubbed his face and left quickly.

 

"Okay okay I'm coming I'm coming."

Eponine pulled the door open and felt her stomach drop at the sight before her.

"Jesus Christ Grantaire, what happened?"

Grantaire was leaning against the doorframe, a half empty bottle of whiskey in one hand and his coat in the other. His eyes were red and cheeks tear stained. He looked at her and shook his head,

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

She grabbed him and helped him stand straight,

"Of course. What....what happened?"

He sniffed and took a drink from the bottle,

"I tried really hard. I tried and I thought I was okay but then....I went to see mum."

Eponine helped him into a chair and sat opposite.

"You went to see your mum. I thought you went at the end of the month."

He took another gulp before Eponine took the bottle from him and shrugged,

"It's been a rough day."

"What happened?"

Grantaire let his head fall back into the cushion,

"It's complicated."

"Bullshit. What happened?"

Grantaire shook his head before covering his face with his hands.

"I don't know what to do 'Ponine."

She jumped up and climbed onto the chair with him; she wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back as he sobbed,

"It's okay baby. It's okay. I'm here."

She held him until the sobbing subsided and he pulled away.

"I'm sorry."

She wiped the tears from his cheeks and stroked his hair,

"Whatever for?"

He looked up at her for a moment,

"Do you think I'm broken forever?"

"You're not broken."

"I feel broken."

"Grantaire....you're not broken. You're depressed. You're struggling. But you know something else?"

"What?"

"You are not alone. Not for a moment."

Grantaire smiled sadly.

"Come to bed."

"I'm too drunk to fuck."

"I am not gonna fuck you for one thing."

"Oh...okay."

Eponine smiled and kissed his temple,

"You need to sleep. Come on."

"Okay. Do you have any sleeping pills?"

"You don't need sleeping pills."

She stood up,

"Come on."

He pulled himself from the chair and followed her into the bedroom. He wobbled and collapsed onto the bed,

"Shit."

Eponine knelt before him and undid his shoes. She pulled them off and watched her friend attempt to pull his shirt off.

"Grantaire come here."

She helped him undress and pushed him down,

"Don't fight it. Lay down."

He lay down and reached up to caress her face,

"I wish you loved me the way you love Pontmercy."

"I love you more than I could ever love him."

"I wish I could fall in love with you instead."

She took his hand from her face and pulled the cover over him,

"Why instead?"

Grantaire closed his eyes and shook his head,

"I don't know. I fall in love too easily."

"You do? I've known you ten years and you haven't fallen in love yet."

"Well I've only known him two years."

"Him?"

Grantaire shimmied down the bed and rolled onto his side,

"Grantaire?"

Eponine waited a moment before accepting he had fallen asleep. She sighed and pushed the hair from his face,

"My sweet Grantaire."

She leant in and kissed his cheek gently before tucking the blankets around him and climbing slowly from the bed. She sat on the chair in the corner of her room for half the night to keep an eye on him before falling to the sofa and giving in to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

The headache hit him before he even opened his eyes. Grantaire groaned and covered his eyes with his arm to try and block the light out.

"You're alive then."

"Am I? Fuck...."

He rolled over and pressed his face into the pillow with another groan.

 

The next time he opened his eyes Eponine was sitting next to him.

"Hi."

He blinked several times and sat up slowly,

"Hi. What time is it?"

"Nearly midday."

"Fuck. Sorry."

She smiled and pushed her hand through his hair,

"You feel alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Sorry for....I presume showing up randomly."

"You don't remember?"

"No. Bit blurry."

Eponine handed him a bottle of water and waited until he'd drunk half before talking.

"You said something yesterday."

"I'm sure I did."

"How you wanted to be in love with someone else."

Grantaire paused before draining the bottle,

"I was drunk. Didn't mean anything."

"Didn’t it? Seemed like it did."

Grantaire pulled the duvet off and swung his legs off the bed. He looked over his shoulder at Eponine,

"It's complicated Ep."

Eponine watched him for a moment before nodding.

"Okay."

"I'm sorry I stole your bed. I need to go."

"No problem. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

They sat in silence for a moment,

"Do you have any Xanax?"

She shook her head,

"No. Got weed though. You want some?"

"Nah you keep that. I'm sorry."

Eponine shook her head,

"Forget it. Whenever you need it."

Grantaire stood up and found his shoes. He pulled them on and headed out.

 

"Bahorel?"

He waited for a moment and shrugged at the silence.

"Easy come easy go."

He headed to the bathroom; pulling his clothes off on the way. He stood in the bathroom and turned the shower on. He waited a moment before stepping under the water. He closed his eyes and let the water run over him; the thumping in his head already subsiding. He grabbed the shower gel and began washing himself before standing under the warm water again. He rubbed his face and turned the water off. He stood in silence for a moment before climbing from the shower and wiping the mirror. Grabbing the razor He shaved quickly and brushed his teeth then grabbed a towel to wrap around himself before dropping his laundry into the basket and leaving the room. He stepped into the hallway and stopped at a noise. He walked into the living and froze,

"Why the fuck are you in my house?"

"Well that's charming."

"Montparnasse what the fuck are you doing here?"

The man put the magazine he was reading down and looked up at Grantaire,

"Thought I'd surprise you."

"By breaking into my home and waiting for me to come out the shower?"

Montparnasse looked Grantaire up and down and raised an eyebrow,

"I'd call it pretty good timing."

Grantaire rolled his eyes,

"What do you want? I don't owe you any money."

"I never said you did."

Grantaire turned around,

"I'm getting dressed."

"I talked to Laura."

Grantaire turned back with a sigh,

"Yeah I don't know who that is."

Montparnasse stood up,

"She would be the girl I set you up with."

"Oh...okay?"

"She said you weren't exactly happy with the services she provided."

Grantaire gripped the towel around his waist,

"Okay..."

"I'm sorry you weren't happy. She's learnt to be better."

"What do you-?"

"Well I say she's learnt. She has to learn to walk again first."

Grantaire’s eyes went wide as panic began to fill him,

"The fuck did you do?"

"I taught her a lesson."

"Are you-?"

He was cut off as Montparnasse burst out laughing,

"Oh my god I'm kidding. You need to relax."

Grantaire let out a breath,

"That's not funny."

"Your face was brilliant."

"Asshole."

Montparnasse bit his lip and folded his arms,

"Grantaire. I talked to her. She said you were...not happy. So, as your friend, I decided to come over and see if you're okay."

"As my friend?"

"We used to be friends."

Grantaire rubbed his face,

"I gotta get dressed."

"Do you? I mean you obviously weren't happy with the girl I provided so maybe you'd be happy with...something else."

"Like what?"

Montparnasse stepped closer until Grantaire could practically feel the heat from him on his skin.

"You really need me to spell it out?"

"I'm not really in the mood Montparnasse. I'm hung-over."

Grantaire felt his breath catch in his throat as Montparnasse ran a finger down Grantaire’s chest,

"Remember how we used to be? Remember the way we used to fuck for hours?"

"Y-yes I also remember the fights. The bruises. The...guy you stabbed. The hospital. The ther-therapy."

Montparnasse bit his lip,

"You remember making up after?"

Montparnasse lifted his eyes to look into Grantaire’s,

"I remember a lot of good times R."

He dragged his thumb over Grantaire’s bottom lip.

"Why are you doing this Mont?"

The man stepped even closer and flicked his tongue out to wet his lips.

"You and I have a hell of a history. I want you to be happy whether you believe it or not."

"Bullshit."

"Okay I wanna get laid and you're the best I've had."

"Again. Bullshit."

Montparnasse smiled and trailed his hand down until it pressed against Grantaire’s throat.

"Do you remember the time we fucked in the car at that concert? I rode you with my hands round your throat and you passed out when you shot your load?"

Grantaire’s eyes fluttered shut,

"Mont..."

"Or the time you fucked me against the wall and I had bruises for weeks?"

Grantaire swallowed and nodded,

"And the time you tied me to the bed and fucked me until I passed out? I woke up with that goddamn plug inside. You were outstanding."

Grantaire opened his eyes and looked at the man before him.

"I don't wanna be in a relationship with you."

"Who said anything about a relationship? I told you I wanna get laid. Don't you?"

Grantaire nodded slightly,

"You were.....so complicated."

Montparnasse dropped his hand and cupped Grantaire through the towel.

"When's the dog home?"

"Don't call him that."

"You two serious or...?"

"We're not together. We're just-"

"Fucking?"

"Montparnasse I need to get dressed."

He grabbed Grantaire’s towel and pulled it loose. It fell to the floor and Montparnasse smirked,

"Tell me you miss me."

"I don't miss you."

"Liar."

"Fuck you."

Grantaire pulled him in and kissed him hard; stepping back until they were pressed against the wall. Grantaire pulled back enough to grab the man’s shirt and pull it off.

"Changed your mind huh?"

"Shut up and get in the room."

Montparnasse smacked his cheek gently,

"Atta boy."

He undid his jeans and walked into the bedroom. Grantaire let out a long breath and rubbed neck,

"This is a mistake. Big. Mistake."

He shook his head before following him into the bedroom.

 

Bahorel threw his gym bag on the couch and waited,

"Grantaire?"

He listened for a few moments and shrugged,

"Fucking...stop leaving towels on the floor."

He paused outside Grantaire’s room when he heard the panting and moans from inside. He was about to leave and pretend he heard nothing until his eyes fell on a shirt. A purple tee with a designer logo over the breast. Bahorel picked up the shirt and gripped it in his hand,

"Motherfucker."

He pushed Grantaire’s door open with a grunt. Grantaire started and pushed Montparnasse from his lap and grabbed the bed sheet,

"Bahorel what the fuck?!"

"Him?! You're fucking him?! Jesus Christ Grantaire."

"Nice to see you again too Bahorel."

"Don't talk to me you fucking prick."

"Bahorel get out!"

Montparnasse climbed from the bed and grabbed his underwear,

"Don't worry about it. Gotta go anyway."

He dressed quickly as Grantaire glared at Bahorel. Montparnasse looked at them both before taking his shirt from Bahorel and stopping in the doorway,

"Hey R? Call me later. We'll uh...pick up where we left off."

He looked Bahorel up and down and smirked,

"Down boy."

Bahorel clenched his fist and spun round,

"Get the fuck. Out of my house."

Montparnasse winked and left. Grantaire waited until he heard the door shut and leapt from the bed. He grabbed his shorts and pulled them off,

"You have no right to do that. The fuck do you think you're playing at?"

"What am I playing at? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT?! MONTPARNASSE? DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO YOU?"

Grantaire turned away and Bahorel grabbed his arm,

"Grantaire."

"It's my life Bahorel. Not yours. Mine. If I wanna fuck my ex then I will."

"Your ex? The-the same ex that got you hooked on coke? The same ex that got you so depressed you locked yourself in your bedroom for two days? The same ex that stood by and watched you almost die from slitting your wrists? That ex?"

"It's complicated."

"STOP WITH THE COMPLICATED SHIT. HE IS A FUCKING DRUG DEALER PIECE OF SHIT AND HE DESTROYED YOU."

"It's just sex Bahorel. I’m a legal adult I can do that. It's not like I'm cheating on you."

"You think I'm bothered because we screw around every now and then? I'm fucking bothered because I'm the goddamn person that found you. Remember that? I had to come home and fucking find you like that. Because of him-"

"It wasn't because of him you know that."

"He didn't help. He didn't help before and he didn't help after, he fucking watched you. And now you're letting him in again? You're letting him in your life and he's gonna just do it all over again."

"I didn't let him in my life. He turned up."

"Forced you into bed did he?"

"No....just...what do you want?"

"Stop. Fucking. Him."

"You're not my keeper."

"No I'm your friend. I fucking care about you. I will not watch you die."

Grantaire rubbed his face,

"I'm not....I'm not with him again. It was a one off. Well I mean....technically a three off."

Bahorel shook his head,

"Not funny."

"I'm not with him."

"Good."

"I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry."

Bahorel grabbed him and pulled him into a hug.

"Grantaire. I just want you to be okay."

"I know. I know."

Bahorel pulled away and ran his hand through Grantaire’s hair.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. I need Valium."

Bahorel closed his eyes,

"I have five painkillers left. You can have two now."

Grantaire nodded,

"Thanks."

He headed to the wardrobe and pulled out a fresh pair of jeans,

"I'm gonna get some food."

"Okay."

"Hey Bahorel?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell anyone okay?"

Bahorel nodded,

"Secrets safe with me."

"Thanks."

He left Bahorel alone in his room as he headed to the kitchen. Bahorel rubbed his face and looked over at the messed up bed.

"Fucking Montparnasse."

 

The phone rang when Grantaire was sitting with Jehan,

"Hello?"

"You still up for helping me?"

"Enjolras?"

"Of course. You still up for it?"

"Yeah. When?"

"Can I come over to yours at about 7?"

"Yeah. Do I need to do anything?"

"Have a laptop?"

"Yeah."

"Then you're set. I got a call waiting, I’ll See you later."

"Uhm...yeah sure. See you then."

He hung up and reached for his beer,

"Enjolras calling you?"

"Yeah I'm helping him with some posters."

"Oh cool."

"Yeah. He's coming to mine tonight."

Jehan nodded and picked up his drink,

"So you were telling me about this show."

"Oh yeah. It's nothing really. The community centres looking for artists and stuff. Thought you'd be interested."

"Grantaire?"

"Mm?"

"You wanna talk?"

"About what?"

"About why you've been AWOL the last two weeks?"

"Just....had to deal with some stuff. I'm fine I promise."

The two drank in silence for a few minutes until Jehan looked at his watch,

"Shit, I gotta go I'm gonna be late."

He stood up and grabbed his bag before leaning over and pressing a kiss to Grantaire’s lips,

"Call me if you wanna talk okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks. Have a good shift."

Jehan waved as he left and Grantaire was left alone again. He pulled his phone out and fiddled with it before opening his messages.

_"Wanna carry on?"_

_"No."_

_"Come on. Its fun isn't it?"_

_"Leave me alone."_

He sighed and typed out another message,

_"You free?"_

He didn't have to wait long before getting a reply,

_"Where are you?"_

_"Black Cat. Meet me outside?"_

_"Give me ten minutes. Meet you round back."_

Grantaire finished his beer and took a deep breath before standing up and leaving the bar.

 

"You're late."

"By two minutes."

Grantaire took another drag of his cigarette and passed it over.

"Changed your mind then."

"I needed to talk to you."

"And whys that?"

Montparnasse passed the cigarette back and leant against the wall.

"Bahorel nearly kicked my ass after you left."

"Guard dogs will do that."

"Don't call him that."

"Sorry."

Montparnasse took the cigarette again and finished it before flicking it away.

"So why the need to meet?"

"You're not allowed in my house."

"Okay..."

"You're not allowed to piss off my friends. Or tell anyone that we're doing this."

"Okay."

"And if you even think of bringing coke near me I'll fucking turn you in myself. Understood?"

"I love it when you get all strict with me."

"Understood?"

"Yes sir."

Grantaire rubbed his face,

"This is a fucking mistake."

Montparnasse came closer and took the zip of Grantaire’s hoodie in between two fingers.

"I'm not the same person I was two years ago R."

"No you're worse."

"Charming."

"Shut up."

"I'm sorry it ended so badly between us."

Grantaire looked at him for a moment,

"You mean how I tried to kill myself and you did nothing to help?"

"Was it about me?"

"No. But you were there."

"I wasn't there that day. I regretted that. But I'm not as evil as people make me out to be."

"You stabbed a guy for spilling a drink down you."

"That was a Prada shirt."

"Label queen."

Montparnasse smiled at him and Grantaire looked away,

"Anyway I just....I needed to say sorry."

"You're the biggest regret I have Mont. you know that?"

"You always were the romantic one."

Grantaire lifted his eyes to look at the man and leant in to kiss him. They pulled away and Montparnasse smiled,

"See?"

Grantaire nodded and looked around,

"Where's your nearest place?"

"About five minutes from here."

"It free?"

"For now."

"Let's go."

Montparnasse stood back and gestured for Grantaire to go first. The two men walked from the alley in silence and headed to the flat.

 

Grantaire was dressed before Montparnasse had gotten his breath back. He looked at the man sprawled on the bed and pulled his shoes on.

"You just gonna ditch me like that?"

"Got places to be."

"I'm starting to feel used R."

"Probably because I'm using you."

He stood up and pulled his cigarettes from his pocket,

"You want one?"

Montparnasse sat up and made his way to the end of the bed.

"Stay a while."

"Can't. Busy."

"Doing what?"

"None of your business."

"Ouch. And we were getting along so well."

"Mm."

He lit a cigarette and passed it to Montparnasse before lighting another.

"Thanks for the orgasm. I gotta go."

"We gonna do this again?"

Grantaire paused in the doorway,

"If I feel like it."

"You've changed R."

"I had to. I'll call you."

Montparnasse sat back in the bed and smoked in silence as Grantaire left.

 

"You're home early."

"Enjolras is coming round, he wants me to help with banners or posters or some shit."

"Is that wise?"

"That I'm given a task?"

"That you're alone for an evening with him. I mean...you two fighting in here...I have expensive stuff."

Grantaire grinned,

"You do? Where?"

"Ha ha. I'm going out. Got a date."

"Oh yeah? What's her name?"

"James."

"Interesting name."

"He works at the gym."

"Oh. Cool. Have fun."

Bahorel clapped his shoulder and headed out. Grantaire sighed and looked down at himself. He pulled his hoodie off and headed to the bathroom.

 

He was smoking on the balcony when the knock on the door came. Grantaire took another drag before stubbing the cigarette out and heading back inside. He pulled the door open and smiled,

"Enjolras."

"Sorry I'm late. Got caught in the traffic."

"No...no worries come in."

Enjolras smiled and put his bag down.

"You alone?"

"Yeah...Bahorel has a date. You cool with that?"

Enjolras rose,

"Yeah...should I not be?"

"No no that's...uh...you're safe."

"Always good to know."

Grantaire rubbed the back of his neck and gestured to the kitchen,

"The laptops in there."

"Awesome. Hey thanks for doing this by the way. We've been stuck for someone for ages."

"It's fine. Don't worry."

Enjolras sat at the table and put his bag on his lap. Grantaire sat next to him and turned the laptop on.

"So what kind of thing were you thinking?"

"Oh I got some...papers....hold on."

Grantaire watched Enjolras searching through his bag and smiled,

"You having a good day?"

Enjolras stopped and looked up at him; Grantaire felt his face grow hot and cleared his throat,

"Or something cooler."

Enjolras laughed,

"I'm having a fine day thank you. Are you?"

"Yeah....yeah."

Enjolras smiled to himself and pulled a folder from his bag. He put it on the table and dropped the bag on the floor.

"That's...extensive."

"Yeah sorry...bad habit. I got all the info I could that I thought you might need. I now realise it might be a little much."

Grantaire smiled at him,

"I would expect nothing less of you to be honest."

Enjolras chuckled,

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"So you want me to keep this or take notes?"

"Uh...can you take notes?"

"No problem."

He got up and grabbed a note book; siting back down and picking up a pen.

"Okay. Talk."

He wrote notes as Enjolras went through the folder until Enjolras fell quiet and watched him. Grantaire looked up at him and smirked,

"I got something on my face?"

"No I just....you're left handed?"

"Sometimes."

"Ambidextrous?"

"You got it."

Enjolras watched him write notes for a few moments,

"You always been that way?"

"No I uh...I taught myself."

"Wow. When?"

"I was about 12 and I broke my right hand so I learnt to write with my left."

"How did you break your hand?"

Grantaire stopped and looked at him for a moment,

"I uh...that's a story for a different time."

"Oh?"

"Yeah it's kind of embarrassing."

Enjolras smiled at him,

"Come on tell me!"

"You're not gonna like me if I tell you."

"Why what the hell did you do?"

Grantaire sighed heavily,

"Okay fine. No laughing."

Enjolras crossed his heart,

"Promise."

Grantaire dropped the pen and sat back,

"I can't believe I'm telling you this but fine. When I was 12 I learnt how to....I discovered...you know..."

He gestured to his crotch and Enjolras nodded,

"Right. Okay...”

"Anyway I was...one night and I...fell off my bunk bed."

Enjolras slammed a hand to his mouth.

"No way."

Grantaire nodded,

"Yup. Landed on my hand and broke it in two places."

"What did you do?"

"What do you think? I finished and then called for help."

Enjolras snorted and covered his mouth again. Grantaire smirked,

"It's okay you can laugh."

Enjolras threw his head back and laughed loudly. Grantaire shook his head with a grin and carried on writing notes. Enjolras took a moment to calm down then wiped his eyes,

"I'm sorry. That was amazing."

Grantaire chuckled,

"Glad it amused you."

"Oh it did. That might be my new favourite thing about you."

Grantaire paused and looked up at Enjolras. He swallowed and shook his head slightly,

"You want a drink?"

"Uh...sure what you got?"

Grantaire stood up and headed for the fridge,

"Not sure actually, I think we have some beer somewhere. We....have wine...which is weird. I don't know...I think Bahorel is planning something so...we won't touch that. Uh...juice..."

"Beer is fine."

Grantaire took two bottles and opened them. He handed one to Enjolras and leant against the counter. Enjolras lifted the bottle in cheers and took a gulp.

"So how long have you been into art?"

"Most of my life. My mum sent me to art classes when I was five and it just went on from there."

"That's cool. She still supporting you with it?"

Grantaire paused with the bottle almost at his lips. He put the bottle down and rubbed his neck,

"No...No my mum passed away."

Enjolras put the bottle down on the table and stood up,

"Shit I'm sorry Grantaire I didn't know."

"That's okay."

"When did she...?"

"Three and a bit years ago now."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry...I don't really like to talk about it though if you don't mind."

"Of course of course."

He put a hand on Grantaire’s shoulder and squeezed it gently.

"She'd be proud of you."

Grantaire snickered,

"Yeah I doubt that somehow."

He turned and grabbed his beer,

"I'm just gonna have a smoke."

"I'm sorry if I upset you. Do you want me to go?"

Grantaire shook his head,

"No. No it's fine really. I'm just gonna..."

"Okay. Yeah I'll wait here."

Grantaire nodded and left the kitchen; Enjolras sat back down and put his head in his hands,

"Good job Enjolras. Really really good."

 

Grantaire rubbed his face and finished his cigarette. He looked back in the flat and bit his lip. He pulled his phone out and sent a message,

_"Make yourself free. I'll be done by 10."_

 


	4. Chapter 4

There was blood on the sheets. Grantaire noticed it when he returned to the bedroom to get dressed. Montparnasse was still in the shower and was likely rinsing the dried blood from his chest. Grantaire had been careful; careful not to cut too deep. Not to cut across his tattoos. He had been careful and yet there was blood on the sheets. He swallowed thickly; the coppery tang still on his tongue. They'd never done that before. Never crossed the line into actual danger. He closed his eyes as he remembered the night, the parts that he could at least-

_Half a bottle of whiskey and several Valium later he was straddling Montparnasse with a blade in his hands. He dragged it over the man’s already spent cock pulling a hiss from his lips,_

_"Careful."_

_"Think I'd hurt it? S'the only thing I like about you."_

_"Fuck you."_

_Grantaire pressed the blade down on to his hip and Montparnasse groaned,_

_"Sorry sorry."_

_Grantaire shifted and trailed the knife over his chest; pressing down enough to scratch the skin but not draw blood. Montparnasse looked up at him and gasped,_

_"More. Cut me."_

_"You sure?"_

_"Yeah. I trust you."_

_"You shouldn't."_

_Montparnasse took Grantaire in hand and began to stroke him. Grantaire bit his lip and groaned; he was starting to harden again under the man’s touch and he raised the blade to hold it against Montparnasse's throat._

_"You're messed up."_

_Montparnasse dropped his head back; exposing his throat to Grantaire who lunged forward and mouthed at the skin there. The blade pressed against his Adam's apple and he gasped again,_

_"R....R...."_

_Grantaire sat back up and dragged the knife down over his chest before pressing the blade into his flesh. The knife cut through and blood bloomed to the surface before trickling down his chest. Grantaire licked his lips at the sight and moved the knife away. Montparnasse looked at the cut and smiled; his cock twitched and Grantaire pushed his hand away to wrap around them both,_

_"Gonna get you hard, then I'm gonna fuck you. Bring you to the edge then leave you. You're gonna be desperate to come. But you won't. Not until I say."_

_"You should tie me up."_

_Grantaire let go of them and climbed from the bed. He found the tie Montparnasse had been wearing and tied his wrists to the headboard._

_"You good?"_

_Montparnasse lifted his hips,_

_"Cut me again."_

_Grantaire ran his finger over the drying cut already on his chest; he pulled his finger across; bringing blood to the surface once more. He straddled the man again and pressed his lips to the wound._

_"Fuck. Fuck..."_

_He dragged his tongue over the cut and up to Montparnasse’s face before kissing him- pushing his tongue inside his mouth and making him taste his own blood._

_"Ready?"_

_"Mmm."_

_Grantaire sat up and dragged the blade across him again; sending more blood down his chest onto the bed. He shimmied down and pulled His legs around his waist before pushing into him. He could feel his own come still inside him and he groaned as he bottomed out. He grabbed the knife and held it to Montparnasse's throat before pounding the man as fast and hard as he could. He threw the knife onto the floor and replaced it with his hands. He wrapped them around Montparnasse's throat and squeezed. His face was turning red as he gasped for breath. Grantaire tightened his grip further and fucked into him harder. Montparnasse's eyes rolled back into his head and Grantaire squeezed his own shut before he came with a shout._

_"Fuck.....FUUUCK."_

 

Grantaire couldn't remember anymore. He shook his head and rubbed his face. The shower turned off and a few moments later Montparnasse appeared by his side,

"You alright?"

"Did I hurt you?"

"Pfft Nah. Nothing I ain't dealt with before."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

He turned Grantaire’s head and hooked a finger under his chin,

"It was fun."

"I could have killed you."

"Keeps it interesting."

Grantaire looked down at his chest,

"Does it hurt?"

"Little bit. Sore."

Grantaire trailed a finger gently down the cut.

"This was different."

He dropped his hand,

"Won't happen again."

"The knife or the sex."

Grantaire looked at him for a moment,

"I don't think I should stay anymore."

"Did you ever wanna make it work?"

"Once."

"But not now?"

Grantaire looked away and Montparnasse sighed,

"Whatever. You think I like this? The look on your face? I mean I'm used to people hating me. But I don't wanna look up at disgust when I'm being fucked. If you wanna stop just say now."

Grantaire weighed up the option in his mind. Montparnasse or numbness. Montparnasse or crippling pain and possible relapse. He grabbed the man’s wrist,

"I'm sorry. I'll try to stop. I promise."

"You know, despite what you and let's face it every other person in your life thinks...I did really care about you."

"I know. I know you did."

He clasped Montparnasse by the back of the neck and stroked it with his thumb.

"Do you think we could ever be normal?"

Montparnasse snorted,

"Who the fuck wants normal?"

"I do."

Montparnasse raised an eyebrow,

"Really? You?"

"You got a problem with that?"

"No...No just....come on Grantaire. Guys like us? We're not built for normal."

"So what are we built for? Addiction? Violence? Murder?"

"Fun. Monsieur. Fun."

"This is fun?"

"Isn't it?"

"I choked you until you passed out. That's fun?"

"More than you're gonna get with Enjolras."

Grantaire felt body snap in shock; he dropped his hand and stepped back,

"What did you say?"

Montparnasse shrugged and reached for his shirt,

"Isn't that who you like? Enjolras? Blonde one right? Very angry."

"You stay the fuck away from him."

Montparnasse stopped and raised an eyebrow,

"So it's true then. I was just going by what I hear when you sleep. You talk a lot."

Grantaire couldn't breathe. He watched the man before him and clenched his fists,

"Stay away from him."

"What am I gonna do? Attack him for being the object of your desire? He's nothing."

"He's more than you."

"That so? So why are you here with me instead of with him?"

Grantaire rubbed his face and grabbed his hoodie,

"This is over."

"Figured."

"Don't contact me again."

Montparnasse sorted his collar out and shook his head,

"You're incredible R. Just when I thought we were getting somewhere. You wanna quit this? Fine. No big loss on my part, let’s face it you're hardly catch of the day are you? Fucking pathetic. Go enjoy your blonde."

Grantaire pulled his hoodie on,

"Fuck you Montparnasse."

"Already did."

Grantaire left the apartment and ran his hands through his hair. He pulled out his phone and groaned at the eight missed calls.

"Shit."

He pressed redial and started walking toward home,

"Where are you?"

"Hello to you too."

"Grantaire we've been scared shitless. You just vanished."

"Sorry. I went out last night. Got...hooked up with someone. I'm coming home."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Sorry. I'm about ten minutes away."

"Grantaire?"

"I'm fine. See you soon."

 

"Bahorel? You home?"

He listened for a moment and took a breath at the sound of the shower running. He pulled his hoodie off and headed to his room to change. The knock on the door came as he pulled his jeans up. Bahorel walked in and leaned against the bookshelf,

"You're home."

"I am."

"You okay?"

"Fine. Tired."

Bahorel nodded,

"And Montparnasse? How's he?"

Grantaire paused before reaching for his shirt,

"No idea."

"Gonna stick with the lie huh? I'm not an idiot R."

"I know. I...."

He sighed and sat down on the bed,

"I fucked up. I'm sorry."

"You back on the stuff?"

"No. No I swear to god I'm not."

Bahorel nodded,

"You done with him? Got it out of your system?"

"I'm sorry Bahorel. You trusted me...and I betrayed that and I'm sorry."

Bahorel sat next to him and looked at his friend,

"I just want you safe."

"I know. I know. I feel like shit."

Bahorel sighed and put his hand over Grantaire’s,

"It's over? For good?"

"I don't think it'll ever be over. Unfortunately."

"Come here."

He pulled Grantaire into a hug and held him tightly. Grantaire began to shake before pushing his head into Bahorel’s shoulder and sobbing.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want it. I want to forget him."

"You will. Montparnasse isn't worth all this."

Grantaire choked out a laugh,

"Who cares about Montparnasse? I'm not talking about him."

Bahorel waited a moment, carefully planning how to go forward,

"So who..."

"You know who Bahorel."

Grantaire stood up and shook his head,

"Don't act like you don't know how fucked I am."

Bahorel sighed,

"Grantaire..."

Grantaire spun round and pushed the hair from his face,

"I am fucked; I'm in love with the one person who will never in a million years ever look at me in the same way. I have a psycho ex-boyfriend who may or may not be a murderer and who for the last few months has been working as a goddamn pimp for me. I'm clearly a fucking drug addict; my family won't talk to me and...I am fighting every second of everyday to not pick up that razor and just....end all this shit."

Bahorel felt sick,

"Grantaire I had no idea it was this bad."

Grantaire shrugged,

"Guess I'm better at hiding it than I thought."

"I want to help you."

"You can't."

"There has to-"

"I need to go. I probably have things to do."

"Oh...okay....you don't wanna...have you eaten?"

"I don't remember."

Bahorel tipped his head to the side,

"You need to eat."

"I need a Xanax."

Bahorel opened his mouth only to be cut off by Grantaire’s ringing phone. Grantaire sighed and answered it,

"Hello?"

"Hi."

Grantaire’s eyes flicked to Bahorel,

"Enjolras. Hi."

Bahorel rubbed his face,

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm good. Fine. You?"

"I'm good. I was thinking about last night and your ideas. I was wondering if you were free later on."

"Today? Um..."

"If you're not that’s fine. Sorry I should have guessed that you'd be busy."

"No no...I'm free. Yeah today is fine. What time?"

Bahorel shook his head and left the room,

"I'm free all day. You wanna come round?"

"To-to your place?"

"Yeah you know where it is?"

"Yeah....yeah I do. 3 o'clock?"

"That sounds great. Bring some art stuff."

"Art stuff?"

Enjolras chuckled,

"I don't know. Paint?"

"I'll bring paint."

"Excellent. We can...paint."

Grantaire smiled and closed his eyes,

"I'll see you later Enjolras."

"Okay. See you then. Bye."

"Goodbye."

He hung up the phone and swallowed thickly before clearing his throat,

"Bahorel I'm going out."

"Seeing Enjolras?"

Grantaire nodded,

"Later. Later."

Bahorel frowned,

"Are you okay?"

Grantaire grabbed his head,

"I can't...I can't breathe."

Bahorel lunged forward and gripped him by his shoulders,

"Grantaire look at me. Look at me. Breathe. Slowly. There you go. In...Out..."

Grantaire took a few deep breaths and nodded,

"Okay. I'm good. I'm good."

"Maybe you should stay in. I'll fix you something to eat."

"No. No no I have to go."

He pushed Bahorel away,

"I have to go. I have to...."

He pushed past Bahorel and left the apartment.

 

"Eponine?"

He banged on the door again and waited,

"Eponine!"

He was met with silence and slammed his hand against the door

"Fuck."

He pulled his phone out and dialled her number. She answered on the second ring,

"Hey you."

"Where are you?"

"Went out to get some cigarettes."

"Are you free?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"I need you."

"For...?"

"Eponine...I need you."

"Oh....okay."

"Can you come home? Please?"

"Sure. Let yourself in. I'll be five minutes."

"Thank you."

"I'll be there shortly."

He hung up and let out a long breath before searching his pockets for the spare key and letting himself in.

 

Eponine grunted as Grantaire slammed her into the door, he pulled her legs around his waist more tightly and thrust into her hard. Eponine wrapped her arms around him and caught his lips in a kiss. He turned around and carried her to the bed before falling onto it and pulling back. He looked down at her body and chewed his lip. She cupped his face and nodded before pushing him back and rolling onto her stomach. He gripped her hips and pulled them up before pushing back into her again. He picked up his pace with the thrusts and groaned before coming hard. He pulled out and turned her on to her back again; surging forward to kiss her as he pushed his hand between them and rubbed her clit until she gasped and shook through her own orgasm. Grantaire fell onto the bed and ran his hands through his hair.

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

Eponine chuckled,

"I'm good doll. Are you?"

Grantaire stared at the ceiling and waited,

"I'm pretty sure I'm gonna kill myself."

Eponine sat up,

"What? Why would you say that?"

Grantaire looked at her,

"I've fucked up pretty much every aspect of my life Ep."

Eponine straddled him and pulled him up into a sitting position. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. He dug his fingers into her back and pressed his face into her neck.

"Grantaire I love you. I love you and I know you know that life is better than what you're going through right now."

He paused for a moment and pulled back,

"I'm sorry I used you. For sex."

She smiled and ran her hands through his hair,

"Please. That's how we work. I get orgasms. You get...whatever it is you get from this. We're cool."

Grantaire nodded,

"I love you Ep. You know that?"

"I know."

She kissed him gently before climbing from his lap,

"Come on. I'll make you some food."

"I'm not hungry."

She pulled a pair of shorts on and looked at him,

"Babe I could hear your stomach when you were fingering me. You're hungry. We're eating. Come on."

She grabbed a t-shirt and paused,

"Make sure you tie the damn condom before chucking it this time."

He sighed and watched her get dressed before climbing from the bed and pulling his own clothes on.

 

"When are you free?"

"Dunno. Depends when Enjolras is done."

"Come round tonight?"

"Uh....I don't know."

"Come on, we haven't seen you in forever. AND I've been baking."

Grantaire smiled at Musichettas voice,

"You know I love your baking. I just haven't spent any time at home and I really should."

She clicked her tongue,

"Fine. But this weekend you're coming to see me. I need to take care of you."

"Don't you have enough to do with the others?"

"My boys can take care of themselves. I need to make sure you're okay."

"I appreciate your concern but I'm fine."

"That's your opinion."

Grantaire couldn't help but laugh,

"I have to go my sweet. I promise we will hang out soon."

"We better. I miss you."

"I miss you too."

He looked up at Enjolras' door,

"I have to go. I'll text you."

"Okay. Have fun with Enjolras."

"Mm I'm sure. See you later."

"Bye Hun."

He hung up and took a deep breath before knocking. Enjolras opened the door and smiled at him; he was on the phone and gestured for Grantaire to come in before returning to the conversation,

"But why are we waiting until then if he's free now? Okay....so when can I get in and talk to him? Well that's ridiculous. Why are-hang on-"

He looked at Grantaire,

"Sorry go on through I'll be two minutes."

Grantaire hitched his bag up and walked into the front room. He could hear Enjolras still in the hallway and paused. The room was simple; a sofa against the wall and a TV in the corner. A table stood on the other side with papers piled up and several hoodies covering one of the chairs. The walls were bare except for a framed photo of the group- Grantaire remembered the photo being taken, and the picture being given to Enjolras on his last birthday. There was a bookcase by the window and Grantaire wandered over to it. He dropped his bag on the floor and looked at the collection of books. Several text books sat between history books. Some well-thumbed poetry books sat in a pile next to a framed photo of a baby. Grantaire smiled and looked at the other books Enjolras owned. He was reading the spine of large leather bound one when Enjolras came back in.

"Sorry that took a while. Bloody red tape."

Grantaire turned and smiled,

"No problem. Just admiring your collection."

"Oh...yeah...I wish I could take credit but they're mostly gifts."

"Not a big reader?"

"No no I love reading I just...never seem to have the time anymore."

"Always another cause to fight."

"Something like that."

He watched Grantaire for a second,

"Do you read?"

"Occasionally."

"What kind of things?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"Whatever I can find. I like history. I do have a guilty pleasure about detective stories though."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah my mum was into the whole Agatha Christie thing when I was a kid so I kind of...I still read them sometimes."

Enjolras bit his lip and nodded; Grantaire rubbed his arm and cleared his throat,

"And I like Game of Thrones. Bahorel read the whole series and kept raving about them so I read the first three. They're pretty good."

"But you don't read often?"

"I don't have a super long attention span."

"Fair enough."

He looked over to the kitchen.

"I was making coffee, would you like one?"

"Uh...yeah sure."

"Milk? Sugar?"

"Black with two sugars please."

"Coming right up, make yourself at home."

Grantaire rubbed the back of his neck and looked around the room again. He sat carefully on the sofa and stared out of the window. Enjolras returned with two mugs and placed them on the table. He dug in his pocket and pulled out some money,

"I forgot to give this back last night."

"What is it?"

"The money you tried to pay for breakfast with."

"Enjolras I-"

"No arguments. I offered to pay, I wanted to pay. I paid. Here's your money."

He held it out to Grantaire who blushed deeply and stood up. He took the money and looked away,

"I didn't want you to think you had to pay for me."

"I didn't. I offered. We cool?"

"Yeah, yeah of course."

"Good to know."

He turned back to the table and grabbed his notebook,

"Thank you...Enjolras."

Enjolras nodded at him and smiled.

"Now...this banner you were thinking of. I had a few thoughts."

 

Grantaire stretched his arms upward and arched his back; he grimaced slightly at the pop of his muscles,

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Hunched over too long."

"You wanna take a break?"

Grantaire paused for a moment before nodding,

"Yeah. That cool?"

Enjolras stood up,

"This isn't a punishment Grantaire."

Grantaire smirked,

"If I go to the street for a smoke will you remember to let me back in?"

Enjolras picked up the mugs,

"You can go in the courtyard."

Grantaire looked round to the sliding door and nodded,

"Cool. I'll be back in a minute."

Enjolras put the mugs in the kitchen and ran a hand through his hair,

"Can I bum one?"

Grantaire stopped; a cigarette dangling from his lips. He took it in his fingers and frowned,

"You smoking again?"

"Not if Combeferre ever asks. Can I?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"Sure."

Enjolras smiled and followed him out into the courtyard. They sat on the chairs placed beside a rusting garden table and smoked in silence, the sun was starting to set and Grantaire leant back to watch the sky as it turned to orange.

"It's a beautiful sky."

Enjolras looked up,

"That it is."

Grantaire smirked and looked at the man,

"It was cancer."

"I'm sorry?"

"Last night you asked how my mum died and I didn't wanna talk about it. It was cancer."

"Grantaire you don't need to-"

"No it's fine....I'm okay. It’s...I like talking to you."

"Okay then..."

Grantaire cleared his throat,

"It was cancer. She had it when she was younger then got better. She had us and she was fine then...it came back. Ovarian. She had stomach pains and cramps you know? And she went to the doctor and they told her."

Grantaire rubbed his face,

"My dad couldn't cope, he started drinking, started staying out. My sister went into meltdown and vanished. So...I took care of her. For eight months I fed her and clothed her and took her to appointments and...Fuck."

He rubbed his neck and Enjolras reached out to cover his hand with his own.

"Grantaire..."

"She uh...she died in May. I was the only one there. She told me she loved me...and not to be mad at him for vanishing."

Enjolras couldn't say anything. He rubbed Grantaire’s hand and moved closer to him.

"Guess I disappointed her in the end though huh?"

"You're not a disappointment. Not at all."

Grantaire laughed and wiped his eye,

"Yeah. Totally. I'm a dream child."

"You're a good man. She would be proud of you."

"Would you?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Be proud?

Enjolras opened and closed his mouth,

"It's a bit different."

Grantaire shook his head,

"Forget it. Forget it. Sorry. Let’s get on. I'm sure you have better things to do tonight than hang out with me."

He stood up and headed to the door, Enjolras stopped him,

"I wish you believed in what we're doing. What I'm doing."

"The cause?"

"I don't understand why you're willing to help if you don't even believe in what we're fighting for."

Grantaire shrugged,

"Don't need to believe in it. Don't need to care. You're fighting for it so it must be something worthwhile."

Enjolras' grip tightened briefly around Grantaire’s wrist before he cleared his throat and stood back,

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"I trust you I guess."

"Oh.....well....cool. Thanks."

The looked at each other for a moment before looking away. Enjolras looked over to him and took a breath,

"My parents tried to give me up for adoption when I was 8."

Grantaire looked over to him,

"What?"

"Yeah...I wasn't the kid they wanted and they tried and it didn't work and they had to keep me. I moved out at 18 and they haven't talked to me since."

Grantaire frowned,

"I don't..."

"I just...I wanted to tell you. And to be honest I kinda like talking to you so..."

"Oh...okay."

"Yeah."

He chuckled nervously,

"Shall we get on?"

"Yeah. Yeah that sounds...yeah."

Enjolras let out a breath and sat back at the table. Grantaire cleared his throat and followed him.

 

"So I'll get this stuff printed and drop them off to you this week. Probably Friday if that's alright?"

"Yeah totally. Sorry this ran so late."

Grantaire waved him away,

"Its fine don't worry."

"You okay getting home?"

"Should be."

Enjolras smiled and reached for the door handle,

"I had fun. I've been having fun...getting to know you better."

Grantaire blushed,

"Oh...well I mean you too. Getting to know...I'll see you tomorrow."

Enjolras smiled and looked at the man before him. Grantaire met his eye and smirked. He opened his mouth to say something but was caught by Enjolras who had leaned in and kissed him. He froze for a moment before pushing the man away and stepping back,

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

Enjolras' eyes went wide with panic,

"I thought- Jesus I'm sorry I thought you felt the same way."

"You're wrong. You're wrong I don't. I...I don't."

He pushed past Enjolras and ran down the road; leaving the man shouting to him from the doorway.

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

It took three attempts for Grantaire to open the door. It finally gave way as He fell into the apartment and groaned.

"Floor..."

The light came on and he frowned before rolling onto his back. He looked up at Bahorel with a grin,

"You're home."

Bahorel helped him up,

"You okay?"

Grantaire waved him away,

"Perfect."

"You're high."

Grantaire shrugged,

"Had to find a way to make it..."

He trailed off and pushed Bahorel back.

"It won’t stop anyway so there’s no point. Not anymore."

Bahorel grasped Grantaire’s face and looked at him,

"Have you been crying?"

"Fuck off."

"Grantaire what happened?"

"What always happens Bahorel? I fucked up. I fucked up majorly."

He pushed the man away and gripped his own head,

"I'm fucking useless I should just end it. I wanna shoot myself. I hate this. I hate it. I HATE IT."

Bahorel grabbed him,

"Grantaire calm down."

"I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. I WANNA DIE WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE?"

"I'm not letting you die. I'm not."

Grantaire pushed him back and pounded his fists against the man’s chest,

"I HATE YOU. YOU FUCKING RUINED MY LIFE I HATE YOU."

"Then hate me. But I'm not letting you go."

Grantaire’s knees gave way and he fell to the floor. The sobs ripped through him and he put his head to the ground and covered his ears before screaming. He screamed until his voice went hoarse. Bahorel covered his body with his own and held him as he shook. It took almost an hour to calm him down. The sun was coming up by the time he was tucking Grantaire under the covers and running his hand over the man’s hair. Grantaire opened his eyes and looked at Bahorel,

"I wish you hadn't found me. I wish you’d let me bleed out. None of this would’ve happened if you’d let me die. I'll never forgive you for finding me."

He rolled over to face the wall and pulled the duvet tightly around himself. Bahorel sighed and sat back against the headboard; staying awake to make sure the man next to him was alright.

 

"Grantaire? You okay?"

Grantaire stared at the wall and pulled his duvet tighter around himself. Bahorel sat on the bed and put a mug of coffee on the nightstand,

"Grantaire? You hear me?"

The man was met with silence once more. He frowned and reached out to run his hand through Grantaire’s hair.

"Leave me alone."

The words were barely above a whisper yet sounded like a shout in the quiet room. Bahorel ran his hand down Grantaire’s arm and sighed,

"You need to eat something. Or drink something."

"Please leave me alone."

"Can you look at me at least?"

Grantaire closed his eyes and gripped the duvet tightly. Bahorel pinched his nose and nodded,

"Okay. I'm gonna come back in a couple hours and you're gonna eat something."

He was met with silence again and sighed before leaning down and kissing Grantaire’s curls. He stood and left the room. Grantaire opened his eyes slowly; sending a flow of tears down his cheeks. He rolled closer to the wall and stared at it until his eyes began to close once more.

 

Bahorel looked up from his phone and grinned,

"Hey. You okay?"

Grantaire stood in the doorway of his room,

"I couldn't sleep."

Bahorel put his phone down and shuffled down until he was sitting on the edge of his bed,

"Okay. You want a drink or anything?"

Grantaire scratched his head and looked around,

"No....no."

"You want me to get you some food?"

Grantaire shook his head.

"I don't remember getting home."

Bahorel cocked his head,

"You remember the last few days?"

"Sort of. I thought I was dreaming. I'm sorry for what I said."

Bahorel rubbed his hands on his thighs,

"Wanna maybe tell me what the hell is going on?"

Grantaire gripped the bottom of his t-shirt and shrugged,

"What do you mean?"

"Well let’s have a look back, you go and see Enjolras- everything is...well not fine but manageable. Then you come back at four in the morning; high as anything and sobbing your eyes out- screaming that you wanna kill yourself before you pass out. You don't leave your bed for the best part of six days and...I'm stumped. Enjolras won't answer my calls. You won't talk to me. Everyone else we know has tried to get you up and moving to no avail."

He stood up and put his hand on Grantaire’s shoulder,

"So please...what is going on?"

Grantaire shook his head again,

"Nothing. Nothing happened."

Bahorel sighed,

"Nothing happened?"

Grantaire looked up at him,

"I...."

Bahorel nodded and pulled him in to a hug. Grantaire wrapped his arms around him and gripped him tightly.

"He knows doesn't he?"

Grantaire shook his head,

"No. No....I can't..."

"Okay. It's okay."

Grantaire sniffed hard and pulled away,

"I need to uh...I have work to do. I promised him the banners and...All that."

"You're gonna do that now? Is that a good idea? You're tired-"

"I made a commitment."

"But-"

"Bahorel."

Bahorel held his hands up,

"Sorry. I'm just...worried."

"You don't need to be I'm fine."

Bahorel nodded,

"Will you at least have something to eat while you work?"

Grantaire shrugged; already making his way to the bathroom. Bahorel called him back. He turned back round,

"Whatever he did...give him hell."

Grantaire smiled sadly and turned away.

"I'm gonna get showered and then get on."

"Okay."

Grantaire walked from Bahorel bedroom to the bathroom. He turned on the shower and watched the water for a while before pulling his clothes off and standing under the spray. He braced himself against the wall and let the water flow over his head and face. He squeezed his eyes shut and covered his mouth with his hand before the first sob ripped from him.

 

Enjolras opened the door and froze,

"Grantaire."

Grantaire hitched his bag up on his shoulder,

"I have the banners and...Everything."

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I crossed a line and-"

"Don't. Just...I have the work for you."

Enjolras bit his lip and nodded,

"Thank you for this. I owe you one."

Grantaire met his eye and felt his chest clench. He looked away quickly and cleared his throat. Enjolras moved forward slightly and stopped,

"Are you okay?"

"Fine."

Grantaire took his bag off and searched for the packet filled with papers.

"Do you wanna come in?"

Grantaire paused and stood up straight,

"I don't think that's the best idea."

"No....no right."

Grantaire passed him the pack and pulled his bag back on.

"I'm gonna go-"

"I'm really sorry. I really...I thought I read the signals and clearly I read them...wrong and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Grantaire watched him and swallowed thickly,

"You didn't."

"I'm sorry?"

Grantaire shook his head and took a step back,

"I don't...I don't...Enjolras...”

Enjolras stepped forward,

"Grantaire?"

Grantaire met his eye and blushed deeply,

"I...I have to go."

He turned and left; waiting until he was safely around the corner before stopping and clutching his stomach. He paused and rubbed his head. He turned back and took a breath. Heading back to Enjolras' door he stopped and lifted his hand to knock. The door opened suddenly and he was face to face with Enjolras; he was dressed to go out and froze,

"I was coming to look for you."

"For me...why?"

"Why'd you come back?"

"I don't know. I wanted to...explain."

Enjolras reached out and grabbed his wrist,

"Explain what?"

"Why I lied to you."

Enjolras frowned and pulled him slightly closer,

"You lied?"

"I did. I did lie."

Enjolras pulled him closer still until their lips were almost touching,

"What about?"

Grantaire let his eyes close before closing the gap between them and kissing him. His phone rang and his eyes flew open. He shook his head and stood straight. He took a deep breath before answering,

"Hello?"

"So I've decided to give you another chance to make it up to me."

Grantaire dropped his head; rubbing his forehead to try and clear the daydream he'd let himself have,

"Montparnasse."

"Bingo."

"What do you want?"

"You. Turns out I got an itch only you can scratch artist."

The hiss at the letter S sent a shiver down Grantaire’s spine and he cleared his throat,

"I'm not interested."

"Yes you are. Even now I'm betting you're thinking about it. Thinking about pushing me down and fucking me until we can't move."

Grantaire squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head,

"I don't want you."

Montparnasse chuckled,

"See that's where you're wrong. You do want me. You need me."

"No. I don't."

"You need what I have."

"What? A tiny dick and a god complex?"

"The favours I just got my hands on."

Grantaire started slightly,

"I'm not-"

"On it anymore?"

"I'm clean now."

"Come on. Don't you miss flying? Don't you wanna forget everything and get lost in a sea of fucking and laughing and me? I can make you forget all about Goldilocks."

"I told you not to talk about him."

"Come on R...you know you want to. Don't make me do this all alone."

"Thought you could do so much better than me."

"I was mad baby. I didn't mean it."

"I'm not your-"

"Come on....I'll let you do whatever you want to me. Let you pretend whatever you want."

Grantaire leant against the wall and sighed,

"Where are you?"

"Good boy. I'm at the house."

Grantaire swallowed hard,

"I'll be there shortly."

"See you soon."

Grantaire hung up and put a hand to his forehead. He took a moment to let himself cry before wiping his eyes and heading toward the apartment.

 

Montparnasse snorted another line and wiped his nose,

"You know...it's amazing how easy it is to get you back here."

Grantaire stared at the ceiling and laughed,

"I clearly have no self-respect."

"I don't think that's why."

"You think it's for your shining company?"

"That and my ass."

Grantaire looked over at the man and started laughing again. Montparnasse grinned and rubbed his nose.

"Here."

He handed him the rolled up note and lay down flat. Grantaire rolled onto his stomach and grabbed the bag of powder. He poured a small amount onto Montparnasse's stomach and grabbed the credit card they'd been using to form it into a line. He snorted the powder and shook his head before dipping down and licking the rest from his skin. Montparnasse ran his hand through Grantaire’s hair,

"You can stay here. Move in. Be my...muse."

Grantaire looked up and frowned,

"What the fuck are you blabbering on about?"

Montparnasse snorted and burst out laughing. Grantaire joined in a moment later before clambering up to catch his lips in a kiss.

"Roll over."

Montparnasse grinned and rolled onto his stomach. Grantaire knelt behind him for a moment before reaching for him again.

 

_"R pick up your damn phone."_

_"Where are you?"_

_"I'm worried now can you please text or call or something?"_

_"R?"_

_"I don't care if you're mad at me just please let me know you're safe."_

_"I'm gonna call the police. Please contact someone. Anyone. Please."_

_"Where are you? This isn't funny."_

_"R? Please."_

_"I'm scared now. Please be safe."_

_"Please be alive."_

_"I'm gonna find you. You're coming home."_

_"I'm begging you. Please contact someone."_

_"Please don't be dead."_

 

Grantaire opened his eyes and groaned. He sat up slowly and looked over to the man next to him. Montparnasse was asleep on the sofa across the room; his arm draped over a naked girl. He looked back at the man next to him and frowned. Grantaire rubbed his head and tried to piece things together. Montparnasse had invited some friends round the night before. Grantaire shook his head. It wasn’t the night before it was before that. He stood shakily and made his way to the bathroom. He turned the cold tap on and stuck his head under the faucet; wetting his face and gulping down mouthfuls of water. He stood straight and looked at himself in the mirror; his hair was matted with swear against his scalp; his skin was almost grey and he could taste blood- no doubt from that which was dried under his nose. He cleaned his face and shivered. He was naked, unaware of how long he had been so but certain that he had been thoroughly fucked within the last few hours. He turned slowly and sighed in relief that there was no dry come on his thighs. He took a deep breath and pushed two fingers inside himself- sighing in relief when couldn't feel any inside- whoever he had slept with had used protection. He washed his hands and walked shakily back to the living room and looked around at the mess. He grabbed his underwear and pulled them on before heading to Montparnasse,

"Mont."

The man grunted and turned his head,

"Mont wake up."

"Fuck off Claquesous."

Grantaire pushed his arm,

"Mont!"

The man started and looked up at him,

"Oh hi R. You wanna go again?"

"No. Fuck. What time is it?"

"Fuck if I know."

"Where's your phone?"

Montparnasse yawned and sat up,

"Dunno. Guess it’s been a while."

Grantaire rubbed his face,

"Like...how long?"

Montparnasse shrugged and reached for the remote. He turned on the TV and squinted at the screen.

"Well it's Thursday."

Grantaire started;

"Thursday? What the fuck Montparnasse? How long have I been here?"

Montparnasse yawned again and pushed at the girl next to him to wake up.

"Few days I guess. Calm down."

He grabbed a small bag with powder inside and poured a small amount on the back of his hand,

"Here- have a bump."

Grantaire shook his head,

"No no...I gotta find my clothes."

"R. It's early; you can't get home right now anyway. Relax. Come on."

Grantaire looked at the man and nodded. He lifted the hand to his face and snorted the bump. He coughed and wiped his nose before stepping back. The man smiled at him and took another himself before grabbing Grantaire’s waist and pulling his shorts down,

"No...Mont...Fuck."

He was cut off as Montparnasse took him in his mouth. He tangled his fingers in the man’s hair and dropped his head back,

"I'm so fucked."

 

"Grantaire?"

Montparnasse stood over him and rubbed his face,

"Grantaire? Wake up. Come on buddy."

Montparnasse shoved the man next to him,

"What the fuck did you do to him?"

"Nothing. Nothing we were messing about. He was fine. It was just a punch."

"You beat the shit out of him. Fuck...there's so much blood. Grantaire can you hear me?"

Grantaire tried to lift his hand but couldn't. His body felt like he was on fire. He blinked his eyes open and tried to focus on Montparnasse. He could feel the blood running from his nose into his mouth and coughed.

"We have to take him to hospital Mont."

"Fuck off, I go there they find out about the coke and I'm back in prison."

"What the hell do we do then?"

Montparnasse looked around,

"Grab his clothes. I got an idea."

"What?"

"We take him round the corner. Let his precious Blondie help him."

The man watched Montparnasse as he dressed Grantaire before helping him lift the man and carry him out of the apartment.

 

Grantaire was cold. Colder than he had ever been before. He could hear someone calling his name and he rolled over; pushing his arm out as far as he could,

"Help...me."

The person was coming closer. He could hear them,

"Grantaire? Grantaire, Jesus Christ what happened?"

"Help."

"I'm here now. I'm here. You're okay."

It was then that His vision went black and he passed out.

 

He could feel the arms lifting him but was too tired to open his eyes. He let his head drop back against the persons arm and groaned,

"It's okay. It’s okay I'm gonna get you home. Just try to keep awake."

Grantaire knew that voice. He opened his eyes slowly and looked up at the person helping him; his heart skipped a beat when he saw it was Enjolras.

"Enj..."

"Shh it's okay. I'm gonna take you home. You're gonna be okay."

Grantaire tightened the grip around him and dropped his head back again.

 

"I need to clean you up a bit. Is that okay?"

Grantaire nodded and looked down at the floor. He put the water he had been sipping down and closed his eyes. Enjolras dipped a cloth into the bowl of warm water he had placed beside them and moved closer to the man. He began wiping the blood from his face and smirked,

"There you go. I knew you were under there somewhere."

Grantaire looked at him for a moment as he dipped the cloth into the water again; turning it pink with his blood,

"So you wanna tell me where you've been for the last week and a half?"

Grantaire met his eye,

"Has it been that long?"

Enjolras paused before cleaning Grantaire's neck,

"You don't know?"

"Guess I lost track of time."

"Well we've been looking for you."

"You have?"

"Everywhere."

"I'm sorry."

"So you wanna tell me?"

Grantaire swallowed and looked at his hands.

"I was with...my ex."

"Yeah? Your ex have a name?"

Grantaire looked at him and shook his head. Enjolras smiled gently and wiped the cloth under Grantaire’s nose to clear the dried blood away,

"Well whoever they are...they left you in a right state."

"Where did they? Leave me?"

Enjolras wrung the cloth out and started working on the blood by his ear,

"Just round the corner from here. I don't know if you've had anything taken I didn't check your pockets."

"You found me."

"I did. Been looking all over the place for you."

"Why? I'm not any good to you."

Enjolras paused and looked at him,

"I'm always gonna go looking for you Grantaire. The...incident aside...I do care about you. I want you safe."

"I don't understand why."

Enjolras cocked his head and wiped the cloth over Grantaire’s cheek; stopping when a tear rolled down his cheek. He dropped the cloth and put his hand to Grantaire’s face; wiping the tear away with his thumb.

"Hey...why the tears?"

"I don't know how it happened."

"How what happened?"

"I don't know how I became this person. I don't want to be this person."

Enjolras moved closer and pulled Grantaire into a hug. Grantaire gripped him tightly and sobbed quietly against his chest.

"You're a great person Grantaire."

"No I'm not...I'm a liar. I'm a...I'm not good."

Enjolras pulled away and cupped his face,

"Look at me. You're a good person. You're kind, and sweet, and smart."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Would I lie to you?"

Grantaire shook his head,

"Don't see why not. I've lied to you."

"Have you? What about?"

Grantaire looked at him and swallowed,

"Don't tell Bahorel what happened."

"I have to tell him you're safe."

"Just don't tell him what I did...please."

Enjolras shook his head,

"I won't. I'll tell him I found you. That's all. I promise."

He held Grantaire’s face in his hands and stroked his cheeks with his thumbs,

"You're a wonderful being Grantaire."

"No I'm not."

"Why don't you believe me?"

Grantaire felt himself lean in,

"It's complicated."

"I have time for you to explain."

Enjolras dropped his hands until just one was gripping the back of his neck. He leant in until their lips almost touched. Grantaire gripped Enjolras' shirt and whispered to him,

"Can I....?"

Enjolras nodded and let his eyes close. The doorbell startled them and they pulled apart,

"Fuck. Fuck that's Bahorel. I told him you were here."

Grantaire jumped up,

"I can't see him. Not yet. Fuck. Why did you call him?"

"Grantaire calm down. I had to tell him he thought you were dead."

Grantaire shook his head and stepped back,

"I can't. He'll never forgive me. I fucked up too much. He won't forgive me."

"Grantaire. Hey, calm down."

Grantaire shook his head again and turned away; he ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

"Gran-fuck."

Enjolras went to the front door and pulled it open. Bahorel stood before him,

"He's here?"

"Yeah. Yeah come in."

Bahorel walked in and looked around,

"Where..?"

"He locked himself in the bathroom."

Bahorel headed to the door and knocked,

"Grantaire?"

"Go away."

"Grantaire please open the door. Please."

"I don't wanna see you."

Bahorel pinched the bridge of his nose,

"Please. Just let me see you."

"I can't."

"Grantaire please."

The crack in his voice made Enjolras look away.

"I have been worried sick about you. I...I thought you were dead. I just...I need to see you. Please come out."

"Don't hate me."

"I could never hate you Grantaire. Never. Please come out."

The door unlocked a few moments later and Bahorel stepped back. Grantaire stood before him and looked up slowly to meet his eye,

"I'm sorry Bahorel. I'm-"

"I don't care."

He wrapped his arms around Grantaire and hugged him tightly,

"I don't care. You're alive. You're alive and I'm never letting you down again."

Grantaire hugged him and turned his head to look at Enjolras. The man caught his eye before turning away.

"I'm so sorry Bahorel."

"Shh shh shh it's okay. It's okay."

Grantaire buried his face in Bahorel neck and closed his eyes.

 

"You wanna tell me where you were?"

Grantaire looked over to Enjolras then back at Bahorel,

"No...Not really."

"Because I already know?"

"You didn't come looking for me there."

"I couldn't get hold of the little shit. You can believe that I'm gonna fucking rip him apart when I do."

Enjolras frowned,

"Who?"

Bahorel sat back in the chair,

"Montparnasse."

Enjolras looked at Grantaire,

"You've been sleeping with Montparnasse?!"

Grantaire frowned,

"You gonna scream at me for it too?"

"I'm...confused. You can do so much better than that twat."

Grantaire scoffed,

"Yeah. Sure."

Bahorel shook his head,

"Let's not start this right now."

Enjolras looked at him and nodded.

"Right. Sorry."

Bahorel stood up,

"Grantaire? I think we should head home. Get you into bed."

Grantaire gripped the arm of the sofa,

"I'm staying here."

Bahorel sighed,

"What?"

"Just...for tonight. I mean if Enjolras doesn't mind."

Bahorel looked at Enjolras, who shrugged,

"Fine by me."

"Grantaire are you sure...?"

"I'm staying here."

Bahorel nodded and pushed a hand through his hair,

"Okay. If that's what you want."

"Just for tonight. You understand right?"

"Yeah. Yeah totally. No problem."

Grantaire stood and rubbed the back of his neck. He grabbed Bahorel by the arm and hugged him again. Bahorel closed his eyes, relishing in the feel of Grantaire in his arms; missing the way Enjolras and Grantaire stared at one another. He pulled away and ran his fingers through Grantaire’s hair,

"You're okay?"

"I'm okay."

"Don't ever do that to me again."

Grantaire looked away; guilt stabbing at him.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. I am too."

He hugged Grantaire again and turned to Enjolras,

"Take care of him."

"Of course."

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Yeah of course."

Bahorel nodded before grabbing his jacket.

"Call me later?"

"Yeah."

He nodded and smiled at Enjolras before leaving the house. Grantaire waited a moment before turning back to Enjolras.

"You don't mind do you?"

"What? No of course not."

Grantaire nodded.

"Can I...uhm...would it be okay to shower?"

"Yeah. Yeah of course. I'll get you a towel...and some...clothes."

Grantaire nodded as Enjolras left the room. He followed him into the bedroom and stood in the doorway.

"I'm sorry Enjolras."

The man turned; a pair of shorts and a shirt in his hand,

"What?"

"I'm sorry. For everything."

"Don't worry. The important thing is you're safe."

Grantaire looked down,

"Not that. Not just that."

He looked up at him again,

"I'm sorry I'm not the kind of person you can depend on. I'm sorry I'm not a better ...friend. I'll try harder. I promise."

Enjolras swallowed and nodded,

"You need some rest. Come on I'll show you how the shower works."

Grantaire took a breath before following him into the bathroom.

 


	6. Chapter 6

"How is he?"

"Sleeping."

"Still? Is that normal?"

"He was awake earlier, he had some cereal. He fell asleep after that. It's only been a couple hours."

"He's...he's been okay?"

"He's been okay. Just sleeping mostly...he should be home with you."

"No no...He’s sleeping at yours which is more than he does here. He's comfortable there."

"Come over and see him. You can you know..."

"I know. I know it's just...I want him better. And these last few days it sounds like he's been better. Has he been asking for meds?"

"Not really. Booze yes. But not pills."

"See? Already better than he is here."

"Bahorel...come on."

"Is Joly seeing him?"

"This afternoon."

"Okay...tell him I said hi. I'll try and see him in the next couple days."

"Alright...I can hear him moving about I'm gonna go check."

"Okay, call me later."

"Will do. Bye."

"Bye."

Enjolras hung up and took a breath before heading to the bedroom where Grantaire had been staying. He knocked on the door and opened it slowly. Grantaire was sitting on the edge of the bed, fingers gripping the sheets and breathing heavily,

"Grantaire?"

The man looked at him; his face was covered in sweat and his lip trembled as he answered in a whisper,

"I'm really sorry."

Enjolras walked toward him,

"Sorry about what? Oh..."

He stopped when he saw; Grantaire had been sick.

"I'm sorry."

Enjolras shook his head,

"No no no no don't worry. Here let’s get you cleaned up."

He helped Grantaire up and into the bathroom. He turned the shower on and took Grantaire’s shirt before leaving him to wash. He returned to the bedroom and started cleaning the bedding.

 

He put the last fresh pillow case on and dropped the pillow on the bed.

"I thought I was with him again."

Enjolras turned and looked at Grantaire; stood in the doorway in fresh clothes with his pyjama bottoms balled up in his hands. Enjolras took them and put them in the laundry basket,

"With Montparnasse?"

Grantaire nodded,

"I'm really sorry. I'll go if you want."

"Why would I want you to go?"

Grantaire looked at the laundry basket and hung his head. Enjolras shook his own and hugged the man.

"If you think a bit of throw up is gonna stop me from helping you...you clearly don't know me at all."

Grantaire wrapped his arms around Enjolras and pressed his face into his neck. Enjolras closed his eyes and focused on the feel of Grantaire’s fingers stroking slowly up and down his back. He felt Grantaire move his head until they were facing one another.

"I don't think I can ever thank you for helping me."

"I'm your friend...it's what I do."

They watched one another for a moment then Enjolras turned away,

"You need to eat something. Your stomach is empty now."

Grantaire nodded and stepped aside to let Enjolras through. He followed him into the kitchen and watched as he loaded the washing machine,

"I really am sorry that you have to deal with all this shit. It's...I shouldn't put you through it."

"It's not a problem. Trust me I've dealt with worse."

"Yeah?"

Enjolras turned the machine on and leant against the counter,

"Yeah I uh...a couple years ago when I lived with Courf he decided to try out a sketchy Indian take away...and...Well it didn't end well."

Grantaire covered his mouth with his hand,

"You mean...?"

"I mean he was exploding from every end."

Grantaire grimaced before throwing his head back and laughing loudly. Enjolras shook his head and burst out laughing.

"It was horrible."

"Oh you poor thing. Poor Courf!"

"Yeah he uh...hasn't eaten Indian since."

Grantaire rubbed his brow and chuckled.

"Oh my god. I know what I'm offering him next time I see him."

He laughed again and Enjolras grinned,

"I like that."

"Food poisoning?"

"Your laugh. It's been a while since I heard that."

Grantaire smiled at him again before looking away. Enjolras chuckled,

"Did I embarrass you? I'm sorry."

"No....just...maybe."

Enjolras headed over to him and clapped his shoulder,

"Come on. Food. Joly is coming later."

"You snuck a doctor’s visit in. Nice."

"He's your oldest friend. I thought it'd be good for you."

"Yeah...yeah sure."

Enjolras grinned and headed to the fridge.

"You want some juice?"

"Uh...no I just brushed my teeth so...”

"No problem. Coffee? Soda? Milk?"

"Coffee is good."

"Alright sit down. I'm gonna make you some eggs- you're okay with eggs right?"

"As far as I know."

"Good...because I can't cook anything fancy. Sit down."

Grantaire smiled to himself and sat down at the table; he watched as Enjolras pottered about getting pans out and finding the eggs.

"Do you not usually cook?"

Enjolras laughed,

"Uh no. No not really. I mean I can keep myself alive but I don't think I'll be hosting any dinner parties any time soon."

He turned the coffee machine on and looked at Grantaire,

"Can you cook?"

"A little. I guess. I mean I'm not a chef but...I can cook. Why? You want me to cook for you?"

"Will you?"

"Right now?"

"No...At some point."

"Sure. I mean...yeah sure."

Enjolras smiled and turned back to the cooker,

"It's funny actually."

"What's that?"

"I don't really know you Grantaire."

Grantaire shifted in his seat,

"What do you wanna know?"

Enjolras shrugged before turning round again,

"Dunno. Lots of things I guess."

"Feed me and we can talk."

Enjolras saluted him and turned back to the cooker again to finish cooking.

 

"How you doing bud?"

"Good...better."

"Yeah? Mind if I check you over?"

"Seriously?"

Joly pulled his stethoscope from his bag,

"I'm a doctor after all."

"You're a student."

"Still counts. Shirt up."

Grantaire sighed and pulled his shirt off; Enjolras smiled gently and left the room. Joly looked round and chewed his lip before checking Grantaire over.

"So should I ask?"

Grantaire put his shirt back on,

"About what?"

Joly put his stuff away and sat beside him,

"You two. You sharing a bed?"

"No! God no...He’s sleeping on the couch- he has a pull-out...Bed thing...and yes I've argued it. Should be me."

"You two getting along though?"

"Yeah...I feel...I don't know. Good around him. He makes me feel good."

"Well that's something."

"Bahorel hate me?"

Joly laughed,

"You're kidding right? He misses you...he could never hate you. Do you think you'll ever go home?"

"Yeah. I mean I can't stay at Enjolras' forever. He's gonna get sick of me."

Joly took his hand,

"Grantaire..."

"What?"

Joly leaned over and tucked a curl behind his ear before whispering in his ear,

"Bahorel told me."

Grantaire swallowed,

"What?"

"Don't worry. I haven't said anything. To anyone. And I won't."

Grantaire nodded as Joly kissed his forehead,

"I promise."

"I don't know what to do Joly."

"How do you feel?"

Grantaire took a breath and whispered,

"Like I've fallen in love with him."

"You think he feels the same?"

"I don't know...I think he maybe feels something."

"Something?"

Grantaire shrugged and looked away,

"I threw up in his bed."

Joly laughed; making Grantaire bury his head in his hands and laugh as well. Joly stood up and rubbed his shoulder,

"I'm sure that'll do it."

"Oh man...why do I get myself into these things?"

Joly shrugged,

"It’s part of your charm I guess."

He put his bag on the floor and climbed back on the bed,

"So...any cravings?"

Grantaire shook his head,

"No actually. It's been alright. I'm not an addict."

"Okay."

"I'm just tired all the time."

"That's to be expected. You'll be fine."

Grantaire smiled and looked at the door,

"Think I can ever be normal?"

"You are normal."

"Think he'll ever....um...never mind."

Grantaire stood and ran a hand through his hair; Joly followed and pulled him into a hug- whispering in his ear,

"I think he'd be insane not to fall for you."

Grantaire laughed,

"We'll see huh?"

Joly pulled back and cupped his face,

"That we will. Now be a gracious host and offer me a drink."

"Oh right yeah...I'm not the host. We'll go find the host."

He left the room and Joly shook his head before following.

 

"So he said you're alright?"

"I'm far from alright...but I'm relatively healthy considering."

"Well that's good."

Grantaire smiled and flipped through the magazine Joly had left with him.

"You wanna watch anything?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"Haven't really been watching TV lately. So...whatever you choose is cool."

Enjolras settled on an old sitcom they'd both seen a thousand times. He dropped the remote and dropped his head back; he turned it slightly and watched Grantaire as he sat cross legged on the couch next to him; resting his chin on his hand and reading an article in the magazine. His other hand rested on the magazine, his finger playing with a corner of the page. Enjolras closed his eyes for a moment before turning back to the TV; unaware that Grantaire’s own eyes had found him as well. They watched TV in silence until Grantaire rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat,

"You uh...you like this show?"

"Hmm?"

Grantaire kicked himself mentally and looked at Enjolras,

"The...show. You like it?"

Enjolras shrugged,

"Don't hate it."

"Oh..."

"Do you?"

"Uh...sure."

"I can find something else."

"No no. Sorry just...forget it."

Enjolras smiled at him and looked back at the screen. He waited a moment then looked over to Grantaire again,

"Did you quit smoking?"

"What?"

"It's just...you haven't been smoking so..."

"Oh...yeah I guess I haven't...huh."

Enjolras swallowed,

"Did you love him?"

Grantaire frowned,

"What?"

"Shit...uhm...you don't have to answer that."

"Do you mean Montparnasse?"

Enjolras turned properly,

"I'm sorry. Forget it. You really don't have to answer it."

Grantaire shifted slightly,

"I don't know."

"Grantaire you really don't have to answer it, I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry."

"No no it's...fine it's just...I don't know. I don't know if I loved...him."

"But you've been in love?"

"I...I think so. Have you?"

"Starting to think so yeah..."

They looked at one another for a long moment until Grantaire flushed and looked away,

"I should go to bed. I uh...I'm tired."

Enjolras stood up and rubbed his head,

"Yeah yeah totally, you should..."

Grantaire; who had jumped to his feet, grabbed his hoodie and turned,

"Oh do you want help sorting the- you really shouldn't sleep on that. I can't kick you out of your own bed."

Enjolras held his hands up,

"No no no. I insist. Really it's fine. This thing is comfortable it's fine."

"I feel bad."

"You shouldn't. Really. It's all good."

Grantaire nodded,

"Okay...I'm gonna go then."

"Yeah. Yeah sure."

Grantaire moved quickly to him and threw his arms around Enjolras' neck.

"Thank you for saving me."

"Oh...you're welcome."

Grantaire squeezed him and disappeared into the bedroom. He closed the door and slid down until he was sat on the floor; he hugged his knees to his chest and pressed his face into them before letting the tears fall.

 

"Don't freak out."

"Why would I freak out? What happened?"

"I kind of lost him."

"...I'm on my way."

Enjolras hung up the phone and put his hand to his forehead before kicking the doorframe,

"FUCK."

 

Grantaire stood before the grave and stared down at it. The flowers he had taken had been replaced. He knelt down and picked up the card,

"We miss you. Carl and Juliet. Xxx"

Grantaire sat heavily,

"They came then."

He scrunched his nose and put the card back; fighting the urge to rip it into pieces.

"Didn't even know that they were about. Guess that tells you everything you need to know."

He stroked the stone of the grave and smiled sadly,

"I'm so sorry mum. I know I promised...I know I did. I promised last time that I was done. And I...I kept that promise as long as I could. I did. I just...let you down. But I promise I won't again. It's Enjolras you see. He's been looking after me. I think he likes me too. And...I'm obviously in a dream world. He'd never love me. Look at him he's...beautiful. And perfect. And hilarious. I had no idea before. And I'm me. A mess. A fuck up."

He looked around and sighed,

"It'll be fine. I'm sure of it. I'll find a way."

He shook his head and stroked the stone again,

"So catch me up then. What's been going on?"

 

"When did you last see him?"

"This morning. He was fine. He was...no he wasn’t fine. He was sad. He was...I don't know."

Bahorel rubbed his face,

"Okay we need to send people looking. Find Montparnasse. Find anyone. Check alleyways, check...hospitals as well."

Enjolras' head snapped up,

"Hospitals? Because of the drugs?"

Bahorels eyes flicked to Joly,

"He doesn't know?"

Enjolras looked from one to the other,

"Know what?"

"I thought maybe he'd tell him."

"Tell him what? Tell me what?"

"Well it's not my place to tell him. Maybe we should wait until Grantaire shows himself-"

"And if he doesn't? If he has another slip."

"Well we'll deal with that if it happens."

"Oh and just clean up after-"

Enjolras slammed his fist down on the table making them jump,

"CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"

They looked at Enjolras in surprise and Bahorel cleared his throat,

"Grantaire-"

"Bahorel!"

"I have to."

He looked back to Enjolras,

"A couple years ago...Grantaire was in a bad place. And he uh...he tried to kill himself."

Enjolras felt as though he'd been punched in the stomach. He turned away and took a breath,

"Drugs?"

"No...He um...I don't know the exact details but I found him. In the bath. He'd slit his wrists. I got him out. Took him to hospital and he made it. But I don't think he ever...he wanted to die. He wanted it more than anything and that doesn't go away."

"You think he's gonna do it again?"

"I don't wanna risk it."

Enjolras rubbed his head,

"I've never noticed any scars."

"Well you wouldn't with the tattoos would you?"

"Oh...no suppose not."

Joly looked up suddenly,

"Eponine!"

"She's not in the city- she's picking Gav up from school."

"But she might know where he could go."

Bahorel nodded and grabbed his phone. He dialled Eponine and waited,

"Hello?"

"Eponine? Where are you?"

"I'm about an hour out from Gavs school, what's up?"

"Grantaire has vanished again."

"For god sake. I'm getting him chipped I swear."

"Do you have any idea where he could have gone?"

"Uh...well what's the date today?"

"I don't know the 23rd?"

"Have you checked the cemetery?"

Bahorel looked at the others,

"The cemetery! Of course."

Enjolras grabbed his keys and left the apartment,

"Thanks Eponine. Enjolras is on his way now."

"Let me know when you find him."

"Will do. Thanks. Drive safe."

"Bye doll."

Bahorel hung up and took a deep breath,

"He's gonna kill me."

Joly nodded,

"Probably. Come on. We'll keep looking this side of town."

 

Enjolras pushed open the door of the second bar. The cemetery was empty so he had decided to check all the local bars and pubs. He was about to ask someone when he saw Grantaire sitting at the end of the bar with a beer in his hand. He took a breath and walked over,

"Can I get a beer please?"

The bar tender nodded and turned to the fridge. Enjolras sat down next to Grantaire and put some money down. Grantaire raised the bottle to his lips,

"I’m surprised it’s you. Figured it would be Bahorel."

"You alright?"

"I was."

The bar tender gave him a bottle and took the money; Enjolras took a sip and looked back to Grantaire again,

"You wanna talk?"

Grantaire looked at him,

"Don't give up do you?"

"Call it charming?"

Grantaire smirked,

"I'm sorry if I scared you. Guess I'm not used to all this worrying."

"Hmm."

He took another sip of beer and watched Grantaire,

"You go to see your mum?"

"Yeah...yeah felt like I needed to."

"She alright?"

Grantaire raised an eyebrow and Enjolras dropped his head,

"You know what I mean."

"She's fine."

"And you? Honestly?"

Grantaire turned to face him,

"You don't know me very well at all do you?"

"I'm trying to. Let me?"

Grantaire watched him got a few moments before nodding,

"Sorry. For scaring you, for being an idiot. Life with me is-"

"Complicated?"

Grantaire raised his bottle to him,

"Complicated."

"Well I don't know about you but I think I'm in mood for some complicated."

Grantaire narrowed his eyes and sat back,

"You're for real aren't you? You actually wanna know me."

"If you'll let me."

Grantaire drained his bottle and put it down.

"Ask away then."

"Wanna watch a movie with me?"

"Now?"

"Yeah. I take you home. We put on a movie."

"Trying to woo me?"

Enjolras huffed; making Grantaire smirk,

"I'm kidding. Sorry. Let’s go home."

He climbed from the stool and pulled his hoodie on. Enjolras pulled his phone out,

"I'm just gonna let them know you're alive."

"Sure. Gotta check in with the wardens."

Enjolras frowned at him before shaking his head and typing out a message. He put the phone back in his pocket and stood up,

"Right. Let’s go."

Grantaire gestured for him to go first before following him out of the bar.

 

Enjolras couldn't help but move closer to him. They sat almost touching on the couch as they watched the film. Enjolras stopped paying attention and watched Grantaire instead; the images of the man lying in the bath tub covered in blood played in his mind and his eyes dropped to Grantaire’s arms.

"Can I help you in some way?"

Enjolras looked back to Grantaire’s face,

"I'm sorry?"

"You're staring at me."

Enjolras dropped his gaze again to Grantaire’s arm; he reached out and trailed a finger gently over his forearm.

"I..."

"Shit. Bahorel told you didn't he?"

Enjolras met his eye,

"He thought you were gonna do it again."

Grantaire looked down at where Enjolras' hand lay,

"I wasn’t going to. I wouldn't."

"I know."

"You do?"

"I don't believe you wanted to die. Not really."

"What did I want?"

"Release."

Grantaire swallowed and nodded,

"Yeah."

Enjolras trailed his finger down to Grantaire’s wrist; his eyes closing briefly when he felt the change in skin over the scar.

"Promise you won't do it again."

Grantaire nodded briefly,

"Maybe we should watch the film."

Enjolras nodded slightly before trailing his fingers down and slipping them in-between Grantaire’s. He gripped his hand tightly and shifted slightly in the seat; staring straight ahead at the screen. Grantaire stared wide eyed at their clasped hands; his breath catching slightly every time Enjolras' thumb rubbed against his.

 

Grantaire took a breath of relief when the film ended. He looked over to Enjolras and bit his lip,

"S'late."

"Yeah. We didn't chat."

"We can chat tomorrow. I'm...I'm really tired. I'm gonna go to bed."

He pulled his hand free and stood up,

"Goodnight."

"You can...sleep here. Watch another film maybe."

"On the couch?"

"It's pretty big, we could fit."

Grantaire looked at him and shook his head,

"I just...think I should...I'm gonna go to bed."

"Okay, just thought I'd offer."

Grantaire blushed,

"Uh....yeah, goodnight."

Enjolras grinned,

"Goodnight."

Grantaire nodded and headed to the bedroom, leaving Enjolras still sat on the sofa.

 

The clock read 3:47am. Grantaire groaned and rolled onto his back. He drummed a rhythm on his stomach with his fingertips before suddenly throwing off the blankets and climbing from the bed. He opened the door slowly and looked at Enjolras on the sofa. The man was on his side and fast asleep. Grantaire walked over and sat on the edge. He watched Enjolras sleep for a few moments before reaching out and gently running his hand through the man’s hair. Enjolras shifted slightly and Grantaire pulled away; seeing that he was still asleep he slowly climbed into the bed next to him. He watched the man’s face for a few moments more before turning over slowly and closing his eyes, starting only slightly when he felt the arm around his middle,

"Couldn't sleep?"

Grantaire froze;

"I-I'm sorry. I'll go."

The grip around him tightened; pulling him closer until they fit together and Enjolras' face was against Grantaire’s neck. Grantaire swallowed and turned again so they faced one another.

"Are you still tired?"

Enjolras shook his head,

"No...No I'm awake."

 Enjolras moved his hand until it curled round the back of his neck. His fingers played with his hair gently as Grantaire lifted a hand to press against his chest. His eyes flicked down at it and he wet his lips,

"Your heart is beating really fast."

Enjolras nodded and swallowed; he leant in slightly and moved his own hand until he was touching Grantaire’s pulse point,

"Yours too."

"M'nervous I guess."

"Why?"

Grantaire met his eye,

"You know why."

"Yeah..."

Their words had dropped to hushed whispers before Grantaire leant in; pressing their lips together in a kiss. Enjolras broke away and took Grantaire’s face in his hands,

"You sure?"

Grantaire gripped his shirt,

"Please kiss me."

Enjolras nodded as he kissed him again; gripping him tightly as they moved together. Enjolras rolled them over until he could pin Grantaire to the bed beneath him. He pulled away for a moment and looked at the man; cupping his face and brushing his jaw with his thumb. He leaned in until their lips just touched,

"Open your mouth."

Grantaire complied as Enjolras kissed him again; pushing his tongue in to taste him. Grantaire wrapped one arm around his neck while the other gripped his hip. They kissed until Grantaire pulled away and pushed their foreheads together,

"Fuck...what are we doing?"

"Um...kis-kissing."

"Do we do this?"

Enjolras tangled his fingers in Grantaire’s hair and grinned,

"I like it, whatever it is. Don't you?"

"Yeah...but-"

"No no. No buts. No buts. Do-do you wanna stop?"

"You're too good. You don't deserve this."

Grantaire pushed him off,

"I have to go. I have to go I'm sorry."

"No Grantaire stop. No."

Grantaire grabbed his jacket and shook his head as he pulled his shoes on.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this to you. I gotta go."

Enjolras tried to grab him only to be pushed back,

"Grantaire stop. What the hell happened? What did I do?"

"I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have hurt you like this. I'm sorry."

Enjolras grabbed the man by his shoulders and stopped him,

"Grantaire. Talk to me. Hurt me how? What did you do?"

"I'll just...if this happens...this can't happen. Not to you. You're too good for that."

He pushed Enjolras back hard and ran from the room. Enjolras followed and grabbed him again,

"Please don't go."

"I can't do this to you. I'd never forgive myself."

He slammed the door as he went leaving Enjolras standing alone.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Grantaire walked until he was far enough from Enjolras' house to be sure he wasn’t being followed before stopping. He leant against the wall and rubbed his face,

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck."

He slammed his head back against the stone and closed his eyes. He took a few deep breaths: his heart sinking as he realised he'd left his phone on the nightstand. He ran his hands through his hair and tried to clear his mind. He looked up and down the street and tried to remember where he saw a pay phone. He sniffed and shivered; realising all of a sudden that leaving in his pyjamas was probably not the best idea. He heard a noise and turned quickly; scared that it was Enjolras following him he made his way down the road and round the corner. He stopped and thought about what he was doing. He ached all over with the urge to run back to the flat; to take Enjolras in his arms and kiss him again. He closed his eyes took a few breaths.

"It's for the best...it's for the best. Fuck."

He rubbed his eyes and looked around. He spotted a pay phone and sighed; checking his jacket pockets he found a few coins and headed over to it.

 

"Whoever you are. This better be good."

"Eponine?"

"...Grantaire? What's wrong? You okay?"

"Can I come crash at yours?"

"Um..."

There was a scuffling sound and Grantaire closed his eyes,

"I thought you were staying with Enjolras."

"I...I had to leave."

"Why? What's he done?"

"Nothing. He...it’s complicated Ep."

"Complicated my ass. What about your place?"

"No no...He’d look for me there."

"He'll look for you here."

Grantaire looked around at the empty streets and sighed,

"Yeah but you'd have no worries getting rid of him."

"True. Okay. Come over. But Gavs here so I can only offer the sofa."

"Thanks. I'll see you soon."

"Bye doll."

"Bye."

 

Grantaire opened his eyes slowly and started at the sight of Gavroche leaning over him and staring at him,

"You talk in your sleep."

"I do?"

"Mmhmm."

"I'm sorry."

"I got put on Adderall."

"No shit."

"Want some?"

Grantaire yawned,

"I'm not taking your meds Gav."

"You take everyone else’s."

"I don't take anything from you. You wanna do something for me though?"

"Sure."

"Get me coffee?"

Gavroche smiled and ran off to the kitchen. Grantaire rubbed his face and sat up. Gavroche appeared by his side with a steaming mug; Grantaire took it with a smile,

"So how’s school kid?"

"Boring."

"Learn anything?"

"Made a pipe bomb."

"Jesus Christ Gav."

Gavroche laughed,

"I'm kidding. It wasn't a pipe."

Grantaire chuckled and reached out to ruffle Gavroche's hair.

"I missed you kid."

"I missed you too. Hey can I-"

"Gav leave him alone."

Eponine walked in and sat on the sofa,

"I'm catching up."

"You're annoying him. Here."

She reached over to the side and took her purse out of her bag. She handed him a few notes,

"Go find someone to annoy."

"Fine. Later R."

"See you later kid."

Eponine waited until Gavroche left then took Grantaire’s mug. She took a sip and cleared her throat,

"Wanna tell me what's going on?"

"Not overly. Got any smokes?"

"Table. He's been phoning all morning. Texting too. So you might as well tell me."

Grantaire stood and stretched before walking over to the table and taking a cigarette out of the box. He lit it and took a moment before turning back to Eponine.

"We kissed."

"Who kissed?"

"We did. Enjolras and I. Nearly went further."

Eponine put the mug down and ran her fingers through her hair.

"You kissed him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"Something to do isn't it?"

"Babe..."

Grantaire sighed,

"Because I wanted to. Because I wanted to have sex with him. Because for the last two years I've been cripplingly in love with him and I didn't know what else to do."

Eponine stared at him for a few moments,

"You love him?"

Grantaire shrugged and took another drag of the cigarette,

"Not that it matters. Not anymore. It was stupid. I mean- shit. I'm nothing. He's amazing."

"He's nothing special."

"Ep. Come on."

"No. Fuck this. You're a hundred times the man he is."

Grantaire leant against the table and nodded as he took another drag on his cigarette,

"Oh yeah. No you're right. I'm brilliant. I'm the drug addict with an alcohol problem who's going nowhere in life. He's just a brilliant mind and a leader and a freaking law student. But no you're right I'm better than him."

"He's nothing compared to you Grantaire."

"You're wrong."

Eponine shook her head and stood up,

"You didn't tell me you had feelings for him."

"I didn't tell anyone. Except...Bahorel figured it out."

"You could have told me."

"I'm sorry."

Eponine walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. She pulled away after a moment and ran her hand through his hair,

"So you kissed him?"

"Yeah."

"And then you ran?"

"I didn't run. I gave him the out. I'm no good for him. I'm not. I'll destroy him and he'll hate me. It's best that I cut it loose now. Before he gets any deeper."

"Isn't that his decision as well? I mean-"

The phone ringing cut her off and she clicked her tongue before walking over and picking it up,

"What a surprise- Hello?"

"He awake yet?"

"I'm sorry who is this?"

"Put him on?"

She looked over to Grantaire,

"He's not here."

"Yes he is. Put him on. Please?"

"I don't think he wants to talk."

The man sighed,

"Please Eponine. Please put him on."

"I'm sorry."

She hung up the phone and turned back to Grantaire,

"He's not gonna stop."

"I need him to forget about me."

Eponine tapped the phone against her hand,

"I'm here for whatever you need. You know that. But..."

"I can't talk to him yet."

"Okay...are you gonna go home? I mean you're welcome to stay of course..."

"Guess I should. I need clothes...a shower."

Eponine nodded,

"You're not gonna..."

She shook her head,

"What? Ep?"

Eponine shifted,

"Don't...don't do anything....you can stay here."

Grantaire frowned,

"I'm not gonna kill myself because I can't be with him."

"I know. I know honey I'm sorry I didn't mean...I know you're not."

Eponine stepped forward,

"I'm sorry."

Grantaire cleared his throat,

"I'm gonna go home. I need to go home. Bahorel is gonna be pissed enough as it is."

"Grantaire I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

He shook his head and held his arms out,

"You didn't. I just got myself into a mess and I need to figure it out."

Eponine hugged him tightly,

"Are you gonna talk to him?"

"I don't know. Probably."

"I love you Grantaire."

"I love you too."

Eponine pulled back and watched his face for a few moments,

"Call me later?"

"I will."

He kissed her forehead before reaching for his jacket and pulling his shoes back on. He paused before the door,

"Thank you Eponine. For everything."

She smiled,

"Call me later."

He smiled at her and left the apartment; heading quickly home before anyone could run into him.

 

He had just pulled on fresh clothes when the door slammed. He threw the towel into the laundry basket and took a breath as he heard his name being called,

"Grantaire?!"

He opened the bathroom door and lifted a hand,

"Here."

Bahorel dropped his jacket on the sofa and ran his fingers through his hair,

"What the fuck were you playing at?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You just get up and leave in the middle of the night? We've been looking everywhere. Enjolras is frantic."

"He is?"

Bahorel stared at him,

"Of course you're worried about him."

Grantaire rubbed his face,

"I was at Eponine’s. I needed to get out of there. I'm sorry for worrying you."

Bahorel sat on the arm of the sofa and put his head in his hands,

"You scared the shit out of me."

Grantaire shifted; guilt prickling at his skin.

"I'm sorry. I am."

Bahorel nodded and wiped his nose,

"You're sorry. You're always sorry. Sorry you ran. Sorry you got high again. Sorry you let me find you with your fucking wrists cut to shreds. Always sorry. You don't stop it though do you?"

Grantaire stiffened,

"Bahorel..."

Bahorel stood up and headed to his room,

"Do what you want Grantaire. You always do."

He slammed the door shut; leaving Grantaire in the hallway.

 

Grantaire knocked gently on the door,

"Bahorel?"

Silence. He put his head softly against the wood and sighed,

"Bahorel? I know you don't want to hear it but I am sorry. I'm sorry for doing this to you. I know I'm a screw up. I don't mean to be. It's not an excuse. You deserve a goddamn medal for what you put up with. I know I hurt you. I hate that. I hate hurting you. You're...you're so much more to me than I can really say. It's just this whole thing with Enjolras is so...complicated. I don't wanna fall out. Please don't push me away. I need you."

His voice cracked and he cleared his throat a few times,

"I need you Bahorel. You're my...you're everything."

Grantaire rubbed his face and nodded,

"I'll go. Don't worry."

"Don't."

He stopped at the voice,

"Come in."

He opened the door slowly and found Bahorel sitting on the edge of his bed; a cigarette dangled from his fingers, his eyes were red as he refused to look at Grantaire fully,

"I don't know what to do anymore Grantaire."

"Please don't give up on me."

Bahorel looked at him,

"Give up on you? It's gone beyond that don't you think?"

"I don't..."

Bahorel shook his head and took a drag of his cigarette,

"Forget it."

"Bahorel-"

"Why do you think I do it? This? All of it, deal with this and run to your rescue? Did you ever wonder?"

"You're a good person."

Bahorel stubbed the cigarette out and stood up,

"It's pathetic really. You're so in love with him and I'm...I'm the backup fuck."

"Bahorel what are you..."

"You think he'd do the same for you? Honestly?"

Grantaire looked away,

"I can't help what I feel."

Bahorel laughed,

"I don't know what else to do Grantaire. I don’t know how to get through to you."

He rubbed his face,

"That man will never understand you in the same way. Never. He is not here for you. He’s so wrapped up in his own...bullshit. He will never love you in the same way."

Grantaire frowned,

"What do you-?"

"I’m so stupid. You'll never feel the same way."

Grantaire felt light headed. He swallowed a few times then stepped forward,

"I love you Bahorel."

Bahorel scoffed,

"No you don't."

"I do. Just..."

"Not in the same way?"

"I'm sorry. I wish I did. God I wish I did."

Bahorel looked at him,

"I'm better for you than he is."

"I know."

"I can take care of you."

"Bahorel..."

The man surged forward; grabbing Grantaire by the back of the neck and kissing him.

"Mm mm Bahorel."

Bahorel pressed their heads together,

"Let me take care of you Grantaire. I can make it better. I can I promise. I can take it away. I can."

Grantaire gripped his shirt,

"Please Grantaire."

Grantaire looked at him for a long moment before reaching up and caressing his face gently,

"Bahorel..."

"Don't say you're sorry again."

Grantaire closed his eyes for a few seconds so he could think.

"You know how much you mean to me."

Bahorel frowned; a pained groan slipped from his lips and Grantaire pulled him into a hug.

"You're the reason I'm alive. And I love you. So much. I just keep hurting everyone and I can't help it. I don't want to ever be the reason you're hurting."

Bahorel shook his head,

"Grantaire I want you. I want you completely. Please. You know I can be better for you. I love you."

Grantaire swallowed and nodded his head before kissing him again. He pulled him close and deepened the kisses as Bahorel gripped his arms tightly and pushed him back against the wall. Bahorel broke the kiss to look at Grantaire,

"You're better than him."

Grantaire kissed him once more before pulling at his shirt and unbuttoning his jeans.

 

They lay in the tangled sheets in silence. Grantaire rubbed his forehead where a dull ache was building. His eyes landed on the pin board on the wall; a fading piece of paper hung with a phone number written in careful script.  He looked over to Bahorel and swallowed thickly. His skin prickled with guilt and he sat up slowly,

"Where are you...?”

"This shouldn't have happened."

Bahorel looked at him and reached out to touch his arm,

"Don't say that."

Grantaire climbed from the bed and grabbed his underwear. He pulled them on and paused,

"I think I’m gonna leave."

Bahorel sat up and frowned,

"Leave where?"

"Not sure yet. But it's for the best. I'll be gone by next week."

Bahorel jumped from the bed and grabbed his own underwear. He pulled then on and grabbed Grantaire,

"No. No you can't leave. Don't leave."

"I have to. I have to don’t you get it?"

Bahorel shook his head,

"No. No you can't leave. I'm not letting you leave."

Grantaire shook his head,

"No. No it's....let me go."

Bahorel pulled him closer and cupped his face,

"You're not going to go. You're not."

Grantaire pushed his arms away and ran his hands through his hair,

"No. If I stay I'll do it again. I'll do it again and this time I'll make sure you don't find me."

Bahorel froze,

"Don't leave."

Grantaire rubbed his head,

"I have to."

Bahorel grabbed him again,

"I love you. I love you. I love you Grantaire."

Grantaire grabbed Bahorel and held his head in his hands,

"I know you do. And I am so sorry."

"Please don't leave me."

"I'm not leaving you."

Bahorel gripped his arms as he shook his head over and over,

"I'm letting you go Bahorel. It's a good thing. I'm poison and I can't....I won't bring you down. Let me go."

Bahorel looked at him,

"You leave...you leave and you're making the biggest mistake of your life."

Grantaire stepped back,

"Then I am."

He stood in silence for a moment before turning and leaving the room.

 

Grantaire sat with his head in his hands and took a few breaths. He looked up at his window and tried to form a plan in his mind. He reached into his pocket and groaned,

"Fuck."

His phone was still with Enjolras. He sighed and grabbed a hoodie from the laundry before heading out.

 

Enjolras pulled the door open and froze before breaking into a massive grin and grabbing for the man. Grantaire stepped out of the way and rubbed his nose,

"I need my phone."

Enjolras' face dropped,

"Grantaire..."

"Please. I need my phone."

"Please talk to me."

Grantaire held his hand out,

"Phone. Please."

Enjolras sighed and reached into his pocket; he pulled out the phone and handed it to Grantaire; who took it before being grabbed by the arm,

"I am not giving up. I'm not. I don't know what happened or why you hate me so much but-"

"Hate you? I could never hate you Enjolras."

"Then why are we fighting? Why are we like this? I-don’t turn away. I want you. I feel...things I don't know how to explain. You make me feel-I don't know what I can say to change your mind. I...I thought you wanted it too..."

Grantaire shook his head,

"It's not...it's not you. I-I need to go."

He turned away again only to be pulled back by Enjolras.

"Enjolras-"

"Tell me to stop. Tell me you don't want this."

Grantaire squeezed his eyes shut,

"Please stop."

Enjolras dropped his hands,

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Grantaire turned and ran down the road; his vision blurring as the tears trailed down his face.

 

He downed his beer and looked round the bar; he was regretting the decision already and shook his head to try and clear his thoughts. He ordered another beer and put his head in his hands- starting slightly when the voice appeared in his ear,

"Didn't think I'd hear from you again."

He looked up at the man, who was folding his jacket carefully and placing it on the bar before setting down on the stool,

"Guess I'm a glutton for punishment."

"You okay? I know we left things on a bad note before..."

"You mean when you left me to bleed to death in the street?"

"Sorry about that. Coke haze."

"You're an asshole."

"And still you phoned me again."

"Yeah well I need a favour."

"Pills, powders or sex?"

"Money."

"I'm not a bank."

"Mont...Come on. It's me."

Montparnasse looked at him for a minute and took his beer; he took a gulp and licked his lips,

"Why do you need money?"

"Reasons."

Montparnasse shrugged and put the beer down,

"Well have fun at the bank."

Grantaire grabbed his arm,

"I'm leaving town."

Montparnasse looked at him and for a moment Grantaire was certain he saw sadness flash across the man’s delicate feature.

"Where are you going?"

"Don't know yet. I have an idea or two. Look I'll do anything. I'll sell stuff if you want."

Montparnasse rubbed his neck,

"I don't have money on me. Not anywhere near what you're thinking anyway. Come to mine?"

Grantaire shrugged; he knew where it was going. He stood up and followed Montparnasse out. They made it to the flat before Montparnasse pulled Grantaire round and pressed him against the wall,

"Are you leaving because of me?"

"You sure do think highly of yourself."

"Grantaire? Is it?"

"No. Somehow I manage to make decisions without you being the major factor."

The looked at each other before Montparnasse grabbed Grantaire’s neck and kissed him hard; pressing his entire body against his and wrapping his arm around him as he pushed his tongue into Grantaire’s mouth. Grantaire pulled back,

"What are you doing?"

"Come on. You really thought it wouldn't lead to this?"

Grantaire pushed his hands through Montparnasse's hair and gripped it tightly,

"You think you can treat me like a whore? Like your little play thing that you can rip apart whenever you want?"

Montparnasse growled at him,

"You're the one that keeps coming back. You need this."

"Fuck you. Fuck...you."

He pushed Montparnasse away hard and shook his head. Montparnasse slid his hand over his chest and began unbuttoning his shirt; shrugging it off his shoulders and exposing his chest to Grantaire. The lines from the knife still looked red against his pale skin and Grantaire swallowed,

"What are you doing?"

Montparnasse unbuttoned his jeans and smirked at Grantaire,

"Mont? What are you doing?"

Montparnasse bit his lip and stepped back toward the sofa,

"One more time? To say goodbye?"

Grantaire pushed his hands through his hair;

"Jesus Christ Mont. is that all you can think about? I don't want to fuck you. I don't even want to be here right now-"

"Then why are you?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"I need money."

Montparnasse shook his head,

"That's not it."

"No? Then what is it?"

"Because you can't stop. You can't give me up."

"You're disgusting."

"You like it. We're the same."

Grantaire shook his head,

"I am nothing like you."

Montparnasse stepped over and took Grantaire’s hands,

"I'm sorry."

Grantaire raised an eyebrow;

"Did you just apologise?"

"I'm not a monster Grantaire. Not in every aspect. I know I treated you like shit and I am sorry. At least you don't love me anymore."

"I never loved you."

"Liar."

"I didn't."

"I loved you."

"Fuck off."

"Don't go."

Grantaire turned away,

"I need to."

"Why? Because of Blondie?"

Grantaire looked at him,

"What do you-?"

"He took you in. You love him. What did he do?"

"He didn't do- this has nothing to do with him. Or you for that matter."

Montparnasse held his hands up,

"Fine."

Grantaire looked at the ground,

"This was a bad idea. I'm gonna go."

"Wait."

He looked up at Montparnasse, who had darted to a chest of drawers and pulled out a cheque book,

"Here."

He wrote something down and handed it to him. Grantaire looked down and frowned,

"This is too much. I can't pay this back. Not right away anyway."

Montparnasse waved his hand,

"I don't want it back."

"Yeah I don't believe that."

Montparnasse shrugged,

"I owe you I suppose."

Grantaire shook his head,

"I'll pay you back."

"If that's what you want."

"Thanks."

Montparnasse smiled at him and Grantaire looked away,

"Don't...don't call me okay? I just...I need a break."

"No calls. Can I ask where you're going?"

Grantaire shrugged,

"I'm hoping Florence."

"Nice."

He stuck his hand out,

"It's been fun...R."

Grantaire took his hand and shook it,

"Goodbye Montparnasse. I hope you find what you're looking for."

Montparnasse grinned,

"I do every day."

Grantaire couldn't help but smile,

"Goodbye."

Montparnasse saluted him and walked into the bedroom. Grantaire contemplated following him before just folding the cheque and putting it in pocket as he left.

 

Grantaire paced his room; tapping his phone against his hand. Bahorel had left as soon as he came home and he had the house to himself. He stopped and took a breath before picking up the piece of paper he had stolen from Bahorels pin board and typed out the number. It answered on the second ring;

"Hello?"

"Feuilly?"

"Grantaire! How are you?"

Grantaire smiled at the warm voice,

"I'm...I'm good. Yeah I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm doing well. Really well. Where are you?"

"Paris."

"How's she doing?"

"Cold right now."

Feuilly laughed gently,

"So what's up man?"

Grantaire rubbed his head,

"Remember when you left you said if I ever needed a job or anything I could...contact you?"

"Yeah."

"Can I come to you? I need to get away."

"Yeah of course. Of course you can I'd love to have you here. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. I just...I'm done here."

"When can you get here?"

"Uhm...a week or so?"

"I can get you a job. You need a job?"

"Yeah. That's okay?"

"There's an opening here. I'll put a word in."

"Thank you Feuilly."

"It'll be fun."

Grantaire chuckled,

"Yeah. Yeah it will."

"Okay man, I'm gonna email you all the details you need. You think this will be long term?"

Grantaire was silent for a moment,

"I think maybe...I mean I'll pay you rent I'm not gonna freeload."

Feuilly chuckled,

"I never thought you would bud. But thank you."

"I just need a fresh start."

"I understand. Trust me. You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah I will be. I uh...I gotta go. I gotta get myself sorted."

"Call me when you know when you're coming. I'll talk to later."

"Thank you Feuilly. Truly."

"You're welcome. I'm looking forward to it."

"Bye."

"Bye."

 

"Bahorel?"

The man looked up at him,

"What?"

"You're still mad at me?"

Bahorel looked away,

"I'm not mad at you. I'll never be...I don't want you to go."

"I know. I know but I have to. I've made such a mess here. I need to give people a chance to-"

"Forget you?"

"Yes."

"I won't."

"I know. I don't wanna leave and not be your friend."

Bahorel swallowed and stood up,

"Forget I told you how I felt."

"Is that what you want?"

"I want you to stay."

"Don't."

Bahorel nodded and reached for Grantaire; pulling him into a hug,

"Just promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"You'll come back...one day."

Grantaire held him tightly,

"I promise."

 

"Please change your mind."

Grantaire taped the box shut and pushed his hair from his face,

"Think it's a bit late for that."

Eponine looked down at her lap and sighed,

"You could just...not talk to him and stay? Please stay. I need you."

"No you don't. You don't need anyone."

"I need you."

Grantaire rubbed the back of his neck,

"I don't think that's true. I don't think anyone needs me."

"You're wrong."

"Am I?"

Eponine jumped down from desk and hugged him.

"I'm gonna miss you."

"I'll come visit. And you can come stay whenever you want."

"It's not the same. You're not here. I want you here."

"I can't stay Eponine. The longer I stay the more I hurt people and I'm done hurting people."

Eponine pulled away and wiped her eye,

"I just don't want you to go."

"I know. I...I have to do this."

"You know I wanna kill Enjolras for this."

"Don't. Don't blame him, he's done nothing wrong."

"He's making you leave."

"No. I'm making me leave. He's...he's just..."

"The reason?"

"He's...I don't know. He needs to forget me. It would make life a lot easier if you all just...forgot me."

"But why?"

Grantaire shook his head and tucked Eponine’s hair behind her ear,

"It's just..."

"Let me guess. Complicated?"

"Yeah it's complicated."

Eponine nodded,

"How long do we have?"

"Three days. Then I'm off."

"I'll beg."

"No you won't. You'll live, you'll be fabulous and beautiful and you'll find someone who can love you completely."

"He won't be you."

"He'll be better."

The door slammed and they turned away,

"Ladies I come bearing gifts. Or at least food."

Bahorel put the food down and pulled his hat off. He smiled at Eponine as she came out of Grantaire’s bedroom,

"Hey gorgeous."

Eponine smiled at him and went into the bathroom. Grantaire walked in and smiled at Bahorel; who pointed at the closed bathroom door,

"Something I said?"

"Not you. Me."

"Oh? What did you say?"

Grantaire sat on the sofa and took the beer that Bahorel held out to him,

"Goodbye."

 

Enjolras watched Montparnasse as he talked to a girl in the street. He waited until she left then headed over; grabbing his arm he dragged him into an alleyway and pushed him down the road.

"The fuck is your problem?!"

"Where is he?"

"Who?"

"GRANTAIRE."

Montparnasse straightened his jacket and shrugged,

"How am I supposed to know?"

"WHERE IS HE?"

Montparnasse smirked,

"What's the matter? Lovers tiff?"

Enjolras grabbed the front of his jacket and slammed him back against the wall,

"I know you saw him you piece of shit. Where is he?"

"Okay okay. Just...he's gone."

"What do you mean he's gone?"

"He's gone. He left Paris."

Enjolras felt weak; he dropped his grip from Montparnasse and stepped back,

"He left Paris?"

"He came and asked for a loan. Said he'd sell some stuff for me. He told me not to call him again and that he was leaving for good."

Enjolras looked up at him,

"Where'd he go?"

"Florence."

Enjolras grabbed him again and slammed him back against the brick,

"If I find out you're lying to me..."

"I know. You'll kill me."

"Oh no no no Montparnasse. I won't kill you."

He leaned in close to his ear,

"I will rip you apart piece by piece- starting with that stump you call a cock- and I will leave you to bleed in the road."

Montparnasse swallowed and shook his head,

"I'm not lying. I'm not I promise you."

Enjolras looked the man up and down and dropped his hands,

"You disgust me. Get out of my sight."

Montparnasse took the chance and ran. Enjolras rubbed his face and turned around. He clenched his fists before turning back to the wall and letting out a shout as he punched the stone.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Grantaire opened his eyes slowly and watched the sunlight on his ceiling for a few minutes before turning to look at the clock on his nightstand. He had ten minutes before the alarm was due to go off. He turned to his side and pulled the blanket around himself as he waited for it to ring.  
  
"Morning."  
Feuilly looked up and smiled,  
"Morning. Sleep well?"  
Grantaire shrugged,  
"Better."  
Feuilly took a sip of his drink,  
"It's a start. There's coffee on the side."  
Grantaire poured a mug and leant against the counter.  
"You wanna do something tonight?"  
Feuilly rested his chin on his hand,  
"What were you thinking?"  
Grantaire yawned,  
"Dunno. It's Friday, there's bound to be somewhere."  
Feuilly took a gulp of coffee,  
"Sure. Not too late though. Got an early morning."  
"Hospital?"  
Feuilly nodded,  
"Yeah."  
"Okay."  
Feuilly watched his friend for a moment,  
"There's a cafe down the road. One of those Internet ones. I have a few things to sort out. Not exactly a rager but..."  
Grantaire grinned,  
"Yeah? Alright."  
Feuilly smiled at him and drained his mug.  
"Get something in your stomach. We gotta head to work."  
Grantaire nodded and took a gulp of coffee as Feuilly headed to the bathroom.   
  
"Here."  
Grantaire took the drink from Feuilly with a smile and took a gulp before typing in his password and opening his email,  
"Shit. 254 emails."  
Feuilly let out a whistle;  
"When did you last check it?"  
Grantaire scrunched his nose and thought for a moment,  
"Um...day I left Paris?"  
"Damn. Is it junk?"  
"Dunno."   
He clicked through to the next page, "How's yours?"  
Feuilly shrugged,  
"All boring. Official stuff. Turns out not having family doesn't mean you don't get...Grantaire?"  
Grantaire was staring at the screen; all sounds from the cafe drowned out by the blood pumping in his ears.  
"Grantaire you okay?"  
He blinked several times and swallowed hard,  
"They're all...they're all..."  
Feuilly moved and looked at the screen before raising his eyebrows and pursing his lips,  
"Damn. Every single one."  
Grantaire stood up and stepped away,  
"I can't. I can't deal with...this. I can't."  
He grabbed his jacket and left the cafe. Feuilly looked back at the screen where every single message displayed was from Enjolras.  
  
Feuilly knocked on the door and waited,  
"Come in."  
He walked into Grantaires room and leant against the doorframe,  
"Are you okay?"  
Grantaire sat on the edge of the bed and looked at his friend,  
"Not really."  
"I logged you out."  
Grantaire looked away,  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you there."  
"Don't worry about it...you know those messages are new. There were some from this week."  
Grantaire looked back up at him,  
"Did you read them?"  
Feuilly frowned,  
"Course not."  
Feuilly sat on the bed and looked at his hands,  
"I don't...I don't think he's gonna give up. He obviously wants to talk to you."  
"But why?"  
"You'd have to ask him that."  
Grantaire put his head in his hands,  
"I left for a reason. I left so he can just forget me. So I can forget him."  
"And have you? Forgotten him?"  
Grantaire looked at him and shook his head,  
"I tried. I tried so hard. I love him Feuilly. I love him and I can't go back. I can't change what I did."  
Feuilly sighed,  
"Why not? I mean would it be so bad to start something with him?"  
Grantaire looked at him,  
"Look at me. I can't make him happy. I'll bring him down the same way I bring everyone down. He's too good."  
Feuilly rubbed his back gently,  
"Maybe you should at least read the messages and see what he wants."  
Grantaire let out a laugh,  
"What and see that he's happy I'm gone?"  
Feuilly gripped his shoulder,  
"I know Enjolras can be cruel sometimes but doubt he would spend four months of his life sending messages saying he's happy you're gone."  
Grantaire rubbed his face.  
"I don't know what I'm doing."  
Feuilly kissed his head.  
"You'll figure it out. Not like you haven't been in love before."  
"Not like this."  
"You mean with a man?"  
Grantaire sighed and stood up to get his cigarettes from the desk; he offered one to Feuilly and lit his own before passing the lighter and leaning against the wall,  
"I mean...I've loved men. One man. I've loved women. But not...it's complicated."  
"How? If you love him you love him."  
Grantaire smirked around his cigarette,  
"Yeah you'd think so. It's not that simple though."  
"But why?"  
Grantaire pinched the bridge of his nose,  
"Because I'm a mess. I don't want to ruin his life."  
"Who says you're gonna do that? He clearly has feelings. Don't you owe it to yourself and him to find out what they are exactly?"  
Grantaire chewed his lip.  
"I'm scared of letting myself open up to him like that. If I give in and I let this happen and I break his heart...I'll never forgive myself. I won't survive it."  
Feuilly raised his eyebrows,  
"And the alternative is better? Two miserable people? Leaving the country? What next? The continent? Besides who says its gonna be you that fucks up?"  
Grantaire shook his head,  
"Feuilly..."  
The man raised a hand,  
"No. Listen to me. Yes you were a mess when you got here but look at you now. You're working, you're sober...usually...you're a stronger person. And clearly Enjolras sees something in you that's making him want to stay in contact when the person he saw was a shadow of who you are now."  
He stood up and stubbed out his cigarette before grabbing Grantaires shoulders,  
"You deserve to be happy. And if Enjolras makes you happy then...go get him."  
Grantaire swallowed and shook his head,  
"I can't."  
Feuilly sighed,  
"Grantaire..."  
He pressed their foreheads together,  
"You frustrate me."  
Grantaire choked out a laugh.   
"I'm sorry."  
Feuilly frowned and and pulled Grantaire closer,  
"What can I do to get it through your head?"  
Grantaire gripped Feuillys waist,  
"What?"  
Feuilly smiled and pulled back so he could look at the man before him; he placed a warm hand on his cheek and stroked the skin with his thumb,  
"That you're enough as you are. That you deserve to be happy. That you're loved."  
Grantaire looked away,  
"Don't."  
"What?"  
Grantaire looked at him and licked his lips,  
"I'm not....I didn't come to you because I expected..."  
Feuilly realised what he meant and held his hands up,  
"Oh no. No no I'm sorry. I wasn't...no."  
Grantaire blushed,  
"Sorry. People seem to...forget it."  
He turned and Feuilly grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug; Grantaire wrapped his arms around his friend and buried his face into his chest.  
  
  
Feuilly turned the tv off and yawned,  
"Come on, let's go to sleep."  
Grantaire turned away,  
"You go. I'm not tired. Too much on my mind."  
Feuilly watched him for a moment,   
"Are you sure?"  
Grantaire nodded and reached for his cigarettes,  
"Yeah you go. I'll be fine."  
Feuilly nodded and stood up,  
"If you need me just come wake me up."  
"Thanks Feuilly."  
"Don't worry about it. Goodnight."  
"Night."  
Feuilly closed the door as he left and Grantaire sat heavily on the bed again before putting his head in his hands and sighing.  
  
Enjolras clicked send and sat back in his chair with a heavy sigh. He rubbed his face and looked out of the window,  
"Enjolras?"  
He turned to Combeferre,  
"Did I wake you?"  
"No. I was reading. Why are you up?"  
Enjolras looked back at the screen,  
"I was just..."  
"Another one?"  
"I thought maybe he'd read this one."  
Combeferre pinched the bridge of his nose,  
"For crying out loud Enjolras."  
"What? What is it?"  
Combeferre dropped his hand and shook his head sadly,  
"I don't...He's not gonna read them. He hasn't read the last 200 you've sent. He's gone. Face it."  
Enjolras looked back at the screen for a moment before slamming his laptop shut and standing up.  
"Face what Combeferre? Come on. Say it."  
Combeferre held his hands up,  
"Look calm down."  
"No. No fuck that. You've clearly been holding something in. Let it out."  
Combeferre shook his head,  
"It doesn't matter."  
"What doesn't? Combeferre?"  
Combeferre stepped back,  
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm just tired."  
Enjolras rubbed his neck,  
"He cares. He's just...I don't know...scared."  
Enjolras looked at the floor,  
"I can't give up on him. Not now."  
Combeferre stepped forward,  
"I understand you know. I do."  
Enjolras looked at his friend and nodded,  
"I'm sorry. For...taking up your space here. I'll be gone tomorrow."  
Combeferre smiled gently,  
"Don't worry. Have you slept?"  
Enjolras shook his head,  
"Couldn't, different bed....felt weird."  
He looked around,  
"I need some air."  
"Want me to come with?"  
Enjolras shook his head as he grabbed his jacket,  
"I'm fine. Go back to bed. Please."  
Combeferre watched his friend as he left before rubbing his neck and going back to bed.  
  
Grantaire stopped running when his lungs hurt. He put his hands on his waist and tried to catch his breath; looking around himself he removed the earphones from his ears and walked over to the water fountain. After a few gulps he wiped his mouth and dropped down to tie his shoes. Standing back up he looked around himself and closed his eyes; giving himself a moment to think before pushing the buds back into his ears and setting off on the run home.  
  
"Feuilly?"  
"Mmhmm?"  
"Am I doing the wrong thing?"  
Feuilly put down the paper and looked at Grantaire,  
"With what?"  
"With...cutting Enjolras from my life."  
"Do you think you are?"  
"Sometimes."  
"Now?"  
Grantaire shrugged,  
"I want to read the messages."  
"Then read them."  
Grantaire looked at the ground,  
"What if I can't let him go again?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean...what if I read them and they say 'please come back I love you' or worse 'I wish you'd died and not just left'? How can I let him go after either of those?"  
Feuilly smiled gently,  
"If it was bad, he would've sent one. Two maybe. Not two hundred."  
Grantaire shook his head,  
"I'm scared."  
Feuilly rubbed his arm,  
"You don't know what they'll say. Either way you can't move on until you do."  
Grantaire nodded,  
"I have to read them then."  
Feuilly touched his cheek,  
"Do you want me to come with you?"  
Grantaire shook his head,  
"No...no I need to..."  
Feuilly held his hands up,  
"I understand. I'm at the end of the phone if you need me."  
Grantaire nodded again and grabbed his coat,  
"I'll be back soon."  
"Take your time. And Grantaire?"  
Grantaire turned back,  
"Yeah?"  
Feuilly smiled gently again,  
"Good luck."  
Grantaire nodded and headed out.  
  
Enjolras rubbed his eyes and sighed heavily. He'd been working on the paper since the night before and was starting to feel it. He closed the book he was making notes from and pulled his laptop toward him. Once again he opened his email and typed in his password.  
"Oh Grantaire."  
He rubbed his face and opened a new message, typing quickly before yawning and checking his watch. He rubbed his eyes and stood up; wincing slightly as his sore muscles popped. He walked into the kitchen and turned the kettle on. Leaning against the counter he yawned again and rubbed his face. He turned the kettle off and walked to his bedroom; falling onto the mattress and burying his face into the pillow he groaned with frustration and tried to sleep.  
  
Grantaire chose the computer in the corner, furthest away from the other customers. Taking a deep breath he signed in to his mail and scrolled to the bottom of the messages. He rubbed his face and opened it; holding his breath as he read slowly;  
  
 _"You just leave without even saying goodbye? What did I do that was so wrong? Was it the kiss? You could have just talked to me you know. Just opened your mouth and talked to me. But no. You leave. You leave and you don't even give me a chance to explain anything. I hate you for that. Whatever. See you some time."_  
  
Grantaire closed the message and swallowed hard. He took another breath and opened the next one,  
  
 _"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't hate you, I've never hated you. I could never hate you. I'm sorry. Please talk to me. I'm here. I'm always here."_  
  
He clicked through to the next message,  
  
 _"Please talk to me. Just let me know you're safe. Please."_  
  
He started clicking through the different messages,  
  
 _"I miss you. I'm gonna keep writing to you. Everyday if that's what it takes. Just please...PLEASE talk to me. I want to explain."  
  
"Grantaire I'll beg if that's what it takes."  
  
"Fine. You won't talk? I'll talk. And I'll keep talking until you answer. I want you here. I need to have you in my life. It feels wrong to have you gone. I just want you here. With me. I want you with me Grantaire. I miss you. Please write back."_  
  
Grantaire felt his chest clench and clicked through the messages. All of them similar; some of them short- only a line or two. Some of them longer.   
  
_"It's been 51 days. I haven't forgotten. If you thought maybe you'd stay away and I'd move on then you're wrong. I'm not over it. Not over you. Are you over me? I hope not...keep safe okay?"  
  
"I think you liked me. I think maybe even loved me. The others have told me to stop sending these messages. I've sent over a hundred but if that's what it takes to get a reply from you then I'll carry on. I'm not giving up. There'll be a million messages if that's what it takes. Come home."_  
  
 _"I saw something today and I thought of you. I picked up the phone to tell you. How stupid is that? To forget that you were gone for that moment. Not gone. You're not dead. You're just...absent. Fuck sake Grantaire just talk to me."_  
  
He read through the other messages quickly before slumping back in the chair and rubbing his eyes. He looked up at the clock and started,  
He'd been there for almost four hours. He went to log out of the account when another message came through. He hovered over it and clicked,  
  
 _"I think I was falling in love with you. But it's pretty obvious you weren't in love with me. Or maybe you were and you didn't want to...I don't know. But I know how I felt. If this is as far as it goes then I'm sorry. I can't let go. I miss you."_  
  
Grantaire swallowed thickly and shook his head. He logged out and stepped back. His mind was swimming with what he had read. Enjolras was sitting in his house at that moment. Writing about how he was in love with him. Grantaire left the cafe and leant against the wall; letting the cool evening air chill him. He rubbed his head and breathed deeply; the itch he felt when he needed a fix was starting. Building up in his stomach and making his skin hurt. He looked around and tried to gather his thoughts. There was a bar down the road that he had been to once or twice. He could find someone to sell him something, or just someone who he could push against a wall and take until he felt better. His mind was filled with images of Enjolras, making his head spin until he couldn't take it anymore. He started on his journey toward the bars; stopping when he ran into a couple walking together,  
"Sorry. Sorry..."  
The couple smiled at him and carried on down the street. Grantaire watched them and swallowed hard. He rubbed his face and turned back toward the bars. He paused and looked back to the couple walking hand in hand down the road. The woman leant in and kissed the man with a smile and Grantaire felt sick. He looked back to the bars and shook his head before turning on his heel and heading home.  
  
He sat on the bed and tried to organise his mind. The messages were replaying again and again before his eyes until he couldn't take anymore. He jumped up and ran from his room,  
"Feuilly?"  
Feuilly walked out of his bedroom carrying a laundry basket and smiled,  
"I didn't hear you come in."  
"Do you have a spare suitcase?"  
"Huh?"  
"I have to go back."  
Feuilly put the laundry down and frowned,  
"What?"  
Grantaire raked his hands through his hair,  
"Not for good I'm not leaving. I just need...I can't do this over the phone I need to go back to Paris."  
Feuilly smiled,  
"The messages were good I take it?"  
Grantaire ran his hands through his hair,  
"He...yeah. They could be. I just...I need to go and see him. Just for a day or so."  
Feuilly walked into his room with Grantaire behind him,  
"I have a rucksack you can use. It's fair sized, I mean just for a couple days it should be alright. Listen-"  
He spun round and grabbed Grantaire by the shoulders,  
"Are you sure you wanna do this?"  
Grantaire nodded,  
"Yeah. I have to."  
Feuilly nodded,  
"I have some friends in Chantilly. I've been promising I'll see them for months now."  
Grantaire nodded,  
"You'll come with me then?"  
"I'll be your excuse. You have to come back to get me."  
Grantaire turned and left the room,  
"Yeah yeah totally. I need to book tickets. Can you get a train?"  
Feuilly followed him from the room into his own bedroom; Grantaire was grabbing clothes and stuffing them into the rucksack,  
"Nah, we'll get a plane. There should be seats. I'll ring up now."  
"Okay. I'll get the train to the centre. I just...fuck I need to go now."  
Feuilly grabbed him again,  
"Calm down. Breathe. I'll ring up. Just...take a moment okay?"  
Grantaire nodded and took a few deep breaths. Feuilly kissed his forehead,  
"Call work. Tell them we're taking our leave. I'll be right back."  
He smiled at him and turned to leave,  
"Feuilly?"  
"Yeah?"  
Grantaire smiled at him,  
"Thank you."  
Feuilly nodded and left. Grantaire took another breath and picked up his phone.  
  
Grantaire took a shaky breath and left the train station. He pulled his hood down and walked quickly to avoid running into anyone. He headed straight toward Enjolras' house and paused; suddenly wishing he had stopped at a bar on the way. He cleared his throat and walked to the door. Pulling his hood off he rubbed his face and knocked on the door.

 


End file.
